Hello and welcome to the 2nd edition of the Matt Attack! Where we review the latest episode of WWE the production…I mean wrestling show and we are at the Consol Energy Center in Pittsburgh!
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We kick off with the Apex Predator Randy Orton making his way to the ring with the Authority already in the ring and we learn that the main event will be a handicap match with Seth Rollins and Randy Orton facing the number one contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, Roman Reigns. Kane welcomes back Orton to the Authority as does Big Show (If you can hear him over the booing) but Jamie Noble doesn’t trust Randy
Why is this happening, seems like a match kicking off Raw would have been better, I mean we all know that Randy will eventually attack Rollins, setting up there match at Wrestlemania 31, right? Fans chant RKO RKO RKO RKO! Seth tells the group to trust Randy, well to Kane and the Mall Cops because as Seth says to Big Show
”No one cares what Big Show thinks”
Is this promo still going on? Randy asks about the Authority and questions what’s happened to them, he starts with Kane, refering to him as
”The Devil’s Favorite Dumbass!”
Next is the Big Show who Randy says he just,
”Bitches and Moans, feeling sorry for yourself!”
Then we go to Jamie Noble where randy insults his height and that he couldn’t get on any rides at Disney Land, ouch. Randy then sounds serious as he tells Seth Rollins that this whole time, he has been getting closer to him and when the time was right, he would strike and make Seth Rollins his ‘bitch’ He then goes on to say that he was only kidding around and tells the group to get a sense of humor (The look on Kane’s face says it all. Say what you will about Kane but he’s the smartest in the group) We then cut to an announcement regarding a man called Wiz Khalifa being a guest on the show tonight and this is met with boos….I thought he was from Pittsburgh so why are they booing there own?
Daniel Bryan is out next for the first match of the night and he is going to fight Bad News Barrett. Bryan stares at a ladder…what could that possibly mean? Once again R Truth is outside on commentary…no doubt he has some kind of scheme up his sleeves. #ICTitle, because why not? Are the commentators really talking about potatoes during a match?…Guys, theres a match going on, pay attention! Bad News is taking control as the commentators talk about…Potatoes..Daniel Bryan hits a high knee out of nowhere and it’s over.
it’s 0-4 for Barrett in the last month and I’m actually surprised that WWE knew that, considering that JBL and Booker T normally just chat about any nonsense during a match. Bryan gets hit by a Bullhammer but out comes Dean Ambrose and he attacks Barrett before competing in a match of his own against Stardust and R Truth still goes on about Potatoes!! ENOUGH ALREADY!! the fans are getting confused as they are calling Stardust Cody…I mean, why would they do that? #what’sinthebag WHO CARES! it is a good back and forth match between Ambrose and Stardust which concludes with the Dirty Deeds and a win for Dean Ambrose but as soon as the match is over, a brawl breaks out between Stardust, Dean Ambrose, Bad News Barrett, Luke Harper, Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan but as they fight, R Truth steals the belt but Barrett knows that he has and demands his belt back but unbeknownst to Bad News, R Truth gives him a toy IC Title…seriously though, would anyone have been able to really tell the difference?
BTW, JBL’S hat has suddenly become magical, you all saw it fly onto the table by itself!
We learn about the Warrior Award which is in honor of the late, great Ultimate Warrior and the first person to be given such an honor is Connor Michalek, the little 8 year old boy who was battling cancer and I think that this is an awesome decision by WWE. R.I.P Connor
Now, we learn the truth about the future of Brock Lesnar…Well from what I can tell, it’s going to be the most obvious result in Wrestlemania history with Roman Reigns becoming the next champion (even though nobody wants that) They show a promo about Reigns in an attempt to get us behind him but it doesn’t work, I heard boos as soon as it ended, even Paul Heyman couldn’t do it, he called it a ‘Fan pleasing video!’ he goes on to promise that if anyone in the WWE attempts to screw Lesnar out of the championship, then as Heyman said
”They won’t leave WRESTLEMANIA ALIVE!”
Will we see actual murder at Wrestlemania?? Heyman goes on to mention the possibility of merging WWE’S Championship with UFC’S which was awesome and I think that this is a clear sign that Brock is indeed leaving the WWE after Wrestlemania 31, why else mention UFC at all? I don’t know but that’s the impression I got after the promo. As to who the champion will be is a mystery, Reigns looks likely to be the one but Rollins is the MITB holder so a sneak cash in could be on the cards. Loved Paul Heyman’s slip up on Bray Wyatt’s name tonight but apart from that, this part of Raw was pure gold!
Tag team action next as Kane/Big Show take on Erik Rowan/Ryback and all four men are in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal Match
Ryback beats up Kane until he gets hit by a big boot and a spear afterwards by Big Show. I’m a big Kane fan and I really miss the mask, Corporate Kane is just awful…we need the masked Devil to come back and put on a decent match…not this sorry excuse! Erik Rowan now beats up Kane and even the Big Show gets in on the action, accidentally K.O punching Kane, causing his team to lose (should have had the mask on Kane) Kane gets in Big Shows face but before anything can happen, Stephanie McMahon comes out and well
”SHUT UP BIG SHOW!”
Wow, this is embarrassing for two WWE Veterans, future hall of famers being treated as jokes. She tells them both to pack there bags and leave the arena…I hope Kane gets his mask back because of this…it’s the best opportunity for WWE to get it back on him. Next, we have the Miz and his embarrassing erectile dysfunction issues
Another Boring Sheamus returns promo…I’ll give him Three weeks and he’ll be stale and pointless again. never rated him that much but he is better as a heel then a face so if he does return, BE A HEEL!
Rumors fly about about the Plastic Twins….(Bellas) are not renewing there WWE contracts (Fingers crossed about that one) I might actually care about the Divas Division again…Bellas are nothing more than attention seeking that any serious WWE Fan can’t stand because
- They can’t wrestle
- Have no personality
- Are more plastic than Human
- Brie mode was a total shambles that no one cared about
- Just Plain Boring
- Total Divas sucked!
Divas Match but I just remembered that I didn’t take the bins out and I can’t be bothered to pause the recording on my TV…I’ll only be two minutes
Be Right Back
I’m back and…the match is over? Oh well, never mind. Time to hear Sting speak…but wait…that isn’t Sting’s voice…sounds more like Kevin Nash
Your Loyalty is to yourself- Sting to Triple H
I hope that Sting beats Triple H at Wrestlemania and gets that bit of revenge for WCW, I also hope that the match will go down as an all time classic that somehow sets up Sting vs Undertaker at Wrestlemania 32
Rusev and John Cena meet backstage and Cena tells him that fighting at Wrestlemania is a privilege…USA Chants begin…I’ll admit that it’s nice to hear a country feel so proud about it’s heritage…I mean, look at this guy
Then stay alive Or else you’d be dead
Cena tells Rusev to say one thing about America and he’ll show him just what America can do. #Axelmania. Rusev vs Curtis Axel This is going to be a massacre which it is but still #Axelmania!
Rusev grabs a Mic and proceeds to insult America by saying
”America is pathetic and delusional”
”All you want to do is negotiate, you are spineless and if you had a spine, it would be made of jello!”
”If you had a heart, it would be full of disease!”
”America, if you had a soul, then god would look down and spit on it!”
Powerful stuff by Rusev and it’s enough to bring Cena out who brawls with the Russian. Cena locks in the STF and Rusev eventually passes out, then Cena pours water on Rusev before locking the STF back in again. Lana begs John Cena and eventually gives Cena a U.S Championship match at Wrestlemania 31.
Bray Wyatt now and he has the Undertakers Urn, to raise the dead.
Back to Rusev who is angry with Lana for giving John Cena a match at Wrestlemania, they argue in Russian and he tells her to leave! Anyway, we cut to the failed experiment ‘The New Day’ Wow, this is boring…they should have been a Heel group because at the moment, watching paint dry is more entertaining then watching Xavier Woods wrestle. Maybe Bray Wyatt can use the Urn to raise Kofi Kingston’s and Big E credibility from the dead! Why would Natalya get on the apron to interrupt the match when there was no need (I think that spot went bad) Ok so New Day beat the champions…I hope that doesn’t mean a Title short for them at Wrestlemania! Here come the Usos as Naomi take on Natalya…hang on…I actually forgot to do the dishes and they really need to be washed before lunch so…
Be Right Back
Oh come on, can’t a Divas match last longer then 3 minutes?? Hang on, Los Matadores??? is this torture week for WWE? Sorry, I was distracted by Natalya thinking that she was a Tag Team Champion to care about the Matadores! and according to the CM Punk chants, neither does the crowd…anyway, the Matadores win the match so what does that mean…a Tag Team Turmoil or something???? who knows but normally the Tag Team division gets screwed at the big PPV.
Backstage, the mall cops warn Seth Rollinds about Randy Orton but he ignores there warnings, anyway back to Wyatt who cuts a promo about the Undertaker and his pride (Wait, didn’t Kane do this in 2010) He calls himself as the new face of fear! Will Taker accept the challenge? Wyatt reveals the Urn and even opens it but nothing is in it…or so it first appears as smoke appears followed by sounds of Thunder…then that well known gong that we all know and love. All of a sudden…Wyatt’s old rocking chair appears in the ring, only to be struck by lightning and Wyatt watches it burn before laughing maniacally
The man comes around”
You will R.I.P
Main event time and out comes Roman Reigns…boos mostly, seriously doesn’t sound like a number one guy to me but still, this whole crowd has been quite quiet tonight so we’ll see how the crowd responds to him next week. During, the match Rollins sends the mall cops to the back and says that he and Orton have it under control (I don’t see this going back on Rollins at all) oh wait, Orton refused a tag and Reigns spears Rollins for the victory! he even sticks up his middle fingers at the Architect (That’s not PG Randy!)
”Randy is being Randy!”- JBL
Orton goes on to destroy Seth Rollins all over the arena and this includes a DDT of the barricade, forcing fans to take photos of Rollins been beaten which was hilarious because WE ALL KNEW THAT IT WAS COMING…seriously…who didn’t?
”TAKE THE PICTURE!”
Oh if only Big Show and Kane could just come out and save Rollins…oh wait, they left…well J and J security could still come out and…oh wait, Rollins sent them to the back…good luck Seth! He finishes this beat down off by an RKO through the announce table…therefore making Seth Rollins, Randy’s bitch!
However, before the show started a rumor flew about a big meeting been held backstage and I can only imagine how that would have gone down.
Triple H: Ok guys, I called you all hear regarding certain rumors that have been flying about the past week on Brock Lesnar and the Main Event of Wrestlemania, Daniel!
D Bryan: Yes! Yes! Have you finally seen sense?
Triple H: Unfortunately no…Vince still thinks your a B+ player so…Reigns is still facing Lesnar
D Bryan: SO even an Occupy Raw won’t change his mind?
Triple H: I’m afraid not
John Cena: I have some-
Everyone: SHUT UP CENA!
Booker T: Shucky Ducky quack!
Triple H: Very nice Booker!
D Bryan: But why have me fight for the IC Title? It makes no sense
Triple H: Vince’s Idea I’m afraid!
Daniel Bryan: But I-
Triple H: Would you rather face Sheamus?
D Bryan: I’ll be good!
Bad News: Oi boss, why the bloody hell is my Title being past about like a hot potato!
Triple H: Vince’s Idea, sorry Wade…I don’t get it either
R Truth: Why you gotta be like that Wade, your so mean!
Bad News: What is he on?
D Bryan: I don’t know but can I have some?
Jerry Lawler: Puppies!
Triple H: I thought we moved him to Smackdown?
JBL: We did but he keeps coming back!
Triple H: Anyway, Roman…we won’t have you speaking on the mic this week…see how the fans react to you just wrestling
Roman: But I had a whole new bunch of rhymes to spit out!
Triple H: NO TALKING!
Randy: Hunter, I think that we should just have me attack Seth tonight…the fans already see it coming so there’s no point dragging it out
Triple H: I see your point…unlike Vince, I know the fans can use the internet and read rumors and spoilers so why the heck not, SETH!
Seth: Yeah boss?
Triple H: Randy’s putting you through a table so protect your neck out there!
Seth: No problem but don’t make me his bitch!
Triple H: Oh….we won’t!
(Vince enters the room)
Vince: Ok, Brock looks like he’s leaving the company in a few weeks so I want Paul Heyman to make it look like Lesnar won’t lose the title without one hell of a fight, that will make Reign’s victory look all the more impressive
Triple H: Yes Vince
D Bryan: Are you for real?
Paul Heyman: Sir, I have to agree with Daniel…do you have any idea how difficult it will be to make Roman Reigns look like a million bucks in Pittsburgh!
Vince: Why? The fans love him?
Paul Heyman: No…they don’t….hell they only just like him a bit more then the entire Divas Division…well maybe not more then A.J or Paige but definitely more then Eva Marie and the Bellas!
Vince: What do you mean, Total Divas was a massive success that everyone watched and loved!
D Bryan: Was it?
Bad News: Next thing, he’ll say Scooby Doo and The Flintstone specials were number 1 hits as well
Brie Bella: Brie Mode!
D Bryan: Oh god (head in hands)
Vince: Tonight, I want Roman Reigns to face Seth Rollins and Randy Orton in a handicap match and we’ll have Roman beat them both easily, to make it look like he’ll bring a good fight to Brock Lesnar.
Paul Heyman: That sounds like it’ll just anger fans on the internet even more
Vince: How so?
Paul Heyman: Well sir, no one likes a guy who is near invincible, why do you think any fan over the age of eight boos Cena?
Vince: But they love Cena!
(Heyman scratches his head)
Triple H: How about Randy turns on Rollins, costing him the match to Roman?
Vince: But that makes no sense, next thing you’ll tell me is that we should drive Rollins through the announce table…
(Everyone looks at Vince awkwardly)
A.J Lee: Mr Vince sir…how about we give Divas a chance?
(VINCE bursts out laughing)
Vince: Good one A.J…your still having a Tag Match at Wrestlemania!
A.J: But I-
Vince: Don’t make me include Maria Menounos in the match!
Divas: NO! Please, we’ll be finished!
Vince: Listen, the fans love Reigns…they just don’t see it yet and before long, arenas all over the world will chant his name as he stays champion for 435 days! take that quitter!
D Bryan to Triple H : What’s Vince on?
Triple H: I don’t know but I want some
Rusev: Yes Vince?
Vince: Your losing the belt to Cena at Wrestlemania
Rusev: But why Cena?
Vince: Because…that’s why!
Rusev: But I’ll still be a strong heel afterwards…right?
Vince:…yeah…just like the Great Khali and Umaga were after they faced Cena…you’ll be fine
Triple H: Anyway guys, an hour until the Pre Show so places!
Vince: You’ll see…Reigns will be the greatest star of all time….Commentators….talk absolute rubbish during matches and have R Truth out there for a bit…bring a Potato sack with him as well…show random shots of JBL’s hat and get me another rocking chair!
Triple H: That’s right…and I bet The Bunny will be the one to end Rusev’s streak
Vince:…How did you know my plans???
Overall, this Raw gets a 5/10 but only because of Randy Orton, he saved this show from being a shambles because everything else is all over the place and it needs serious work on it because as of right now, Wrestlemania looks to be in trouble.
Until next time