Up in the heavens, a rather interesting discussion took place, on the highest cloud of them all, a debate between kings and queens raged on, all deciding one question, just one, that’s all
Who was the greatest monarch of them all?
William I- Of course it’s me can’t you see? I’m the greatest King of all, no one else compares to me, none at all. crossed the channel in 1066 and I ravaged the English in their lands, left their fields aflame full of their blood! Saw off King Harold at Hastings I did, shot with an arrow to the eye and hacked off his leg, it was fun watching him die, began building the Tower of London and introduced the peasants the Doomsday Book Tax Hike
Henry VIII- Wait just a minute, I can’t let that go by, you couldn’t even read so don’t talk to me about any tax hikes! I robbed and plundered every church in the land, you wrote a book? Now I know that you won the greatest British battle of them all but didn’t you have your men run away in that fight? you call yourself a conqueror but the rest call you a bastard! there’s no honor in butchering the dead, are you mad Will? but then again, you always looked quite sad, crying in your bed! but then again everyone always wanted you dead! you cried to the Pope for support over very weak claims to the crown, your nothing but a crybaby who always needs to have his way go down!
Tell me if I’m wrong but didn’t you ravage and savage the entire North for voicing opinions? Not to mention that your French, that’s bad enough! oops something that you often left on the bench, you didn’t learn the language, no wonder people hated you, the king or his men couldn’t understand anyone! You had nothing but rebellions throughout your entire reign! some even caused by your children no doubt! Face it, no one liked you, everyone wanted you out, my people called my reign an golden age, and of course it’s true! I was the fun king, you were the dud king! And didn’t your gut burst when you fell from your Horse? and then explode as they laid down your fat corpse!
William I- Enough of this nonsense you fat Welsh Bitch, don’t talk to me about butcher and slaughter when your daughter was a murderous witch! all you proved to your people was you were a bad hit with the ladies! six wives? divorced devoted Cathy, beheaded Anne and didn’t Jane die? divorced a horse, you beheaded little Katie and Cathy Parr survived? Lucky girl! what were you doing Harry? looking for your pee pee under that cannon ball you call a fat flap? Now on to no one liking you, you started off so well, your reign was meant to change the land you ruled then you fell for a harlot and fell under your Horse and lost it all, respect, looks and even brain cells! Golden Age, I believe that was Frizzier Lizzie that claimed that, your daughter was better than you.
Henry VIII- If anyone’s the greatest king of all, it’s dear Harry you see, part of the mighty, famous Tudor Dynasty. You’ll find more shows and documentaries about me than any of you! I had six wives, three kids and I’m the head of the English church, so all bow before me, no one’s exempt! and look at you, barely anyone even knows about you Will, your old news, ancient in fact, your story’s boring and old where mine is great, played by Jonathon Rhys Myers bitch! at least when I died, my stomach remained in it’s place! look for my portrait of me and my kids and learn your place, far bellow the place of the Tudor Dynasty!
William I- Speaking of kids! you only had one boy? didn’t last very long! couldn’t you have more? I had four with one wife, ten children in all! I think we know who the greatest champion in the royal chambers was! And speaking of death, what happened when you died? you were so fat, you had to be lifted everywhere, you had your room bricked up at night, shame they didn’t leave you there? you cried Monks! Monks! Monks? I died burning down a French Town, something you never did, yet you still dream about it now, that’s real power!
Victoria- Did someone say, real power? No one held a candle to me, I was in charge of a fifth of the entire planet you see and I was still not amused like I’m not with your claims! my land was the power of it’s day, unlike Will there that couldn’t keep the Scots at bay! Britain was at the power of the world in my time, my family became rulers of other nations, it was no crime! no one could touch us,I could go on about what my Brits achieved but I’m not here to impress you, I’m here to disrespect the both of you! Let’s start with fat boy here, you ever heard of exercise? you disrespected your wives, let your ministers control you, you even chopped your best friends head off for sticking to his faith, as if! you locked your children away for being the wrong gender and worst of all, got tripped up by the French! you failed as a warrior king, the only thing you ever properly conquered was the dinner table!
And you, William, I sorry I forgot you were there, been almost a thousand years since you were last relevant! so I’ll try and remember your story, I’m sorry but I only heard about it at school! you talk a big game, didn’t have much of a claim to the throne, something a promise old Harry made but then just won out of luck, yet when you were crowned, you cowered like a little pup amongst the flames, then you kind of just became…lame. I’m sorry but…that’s all
Elizabeth I- The greatest monarch? why is there even a contest here? Your looking at Golden Liz, enough said! my reign was glorious and bright, the rest of yours? They were alright. Vic darling, you say you ruled most of the planet, that you did it all yourself but from where I’m standing, you did bugger all, wasn’t it your little chaps from number 10 that did the work? made you empress of India, even though they didn’t want you there! I made a vow to never gain land or be married! Then defeated the Spanish Armada and chopped of Silly Mary’s head! Shakespeare’s plays changed the land forever and Drakey sailed the globe! you spent most of your reign in black clothes, crying over your man with a face like thunder, your own kids wanted to get away from you.
And Daddy, no offence but your reign kind of sucked, I mean to be honest, you didn’t do that much! You spent your Dad’s money and smeared a monarchs name and just enjoyed yourself too much, when you had a country to run but you preferred to hunt, no wonder the people didn’t like you. You ignored your kids, probably forgot our names and gave us plenty of step mothers, you even wrote us out of the inheritance act at one point! All you wanted was your glory, yet your greatest victory was won by your first wife! how does that feel? don’t you see Father? Women have been winning the Tudors glory all along, well maybe except Mary!
At the end of my Reign, England was at the height of European Power, had the greatest navy and made the Spanish cower in fear and that is why, that is why I am the greatest-
Alfred- Talker of them all! Sorry, I would have spoken before but felt it hilarious to listen to you all! Old Will won a battle at the bottom of a hill and Henry gored himself to look like his food, a Pig! Old Vic made an empire, well her servants did and You Liz started it all. now that’s all good, that’s all fine, all good claims to the tittle but have any of you in this debate, ever been called great?
Fought of the Vikings when my brother would just pray and I’m the one behind the Navy! saved the land from Viking rule, even if it was just Wessex! was so good, people called me Alfred the Great, something that none of you have, just face, if anyone here is the winner, than I think it’s me!