I look at myself sometimes and wonder to myself, ‘am I like the rest or am I really made from a different thread of cloth?’ I often hear people with Aspergers discussing how difficult it is to make friends and what not and in a sense, I can understand that very much as I have struggled to do that on many occasions growing up. I don’t actually know what it was that made it so hard…I mean, many people without Autism struggle to make friends, we all can…yet I feel as if people with Aspergers can suffer in silence, pretend that their isn’t a problem and that everything will just work itself out because deep down, no one wants to admit that there is a problem.
I remember feeling ashamed that no one really wanted to be my friend, I used to think that I had a problem that I couldn’t see, I looked just like everyone else…it could have been my actions as I remember never quite thinking anything through, never understanding right from wrong and when trouble came about, never understanding why.
Partly still, in a way I feel these feelings, that deep down I’m just a nuscience to all that know me, I let the past affect me greatly and it still hurts today, just nowhere near as badly as it once did!
Perhaps this lack of understanding made it harder to create bonds with other people my age but don’t get me wrong, I had friends just not many my actual age…many were a year or two younger or older…never figured out why it was easier, yet I also discovered that it was easier to talk to girls than boys…maybe they were more understanding, who knows, it’s only when I reached adult hood that things in the past began to make sense, I mean I wanted to forget it all, I was ashamed of how gullible I was once…how easy others manipulated me, people can be cruel when they want to be.
It’s never easy having Autism, always having people misunderstand or act like it’s fake all the time, treating you like a little child because they think it’s the best way to deal with it. I always hear stories of Autistic Kids being locked away in rooms or even cages because they act out, don’t understand the situation and people have no idea how to handle them because I doubt there’s much training into dealing with Autistic children available or even that they do not know that they have Autism, there are many reasons why nothing is being done but it’s not knowing that is dangerous, I had no idea until I was 13 that I had Aspergers and before hand, I had no idea what was going on, why people were treating me like I was a wild animal…well not that bad but I felt isolated and singled out by many but it got lesser as I gained confidence when I went to College and University.
I wondered what was it about College and University that was the complete opposite to school but I quickly found the answer and it was me! It was my decision to go to College and University and if I let my parents or school influence me…I’d have become a farmer or something which I didn’t want to do as I want to be a writer but that’s not what this is about! The point is that it was me that made the decisions, I was in charge of my destiny after 16 and it paid off big time which made me realise that all of that wrapping in cotton wool and being protected so much because of my condition didn’t let me grow as a person but when I made the decisions myself, things turned around and it was suddenly like I didn’t even have a condition, people accepted me for the person I was and I just got stronger and stronger each year
I know this isn’t for all people with Autism, high levels especially but being able to be myself and not be told to ‘be normal’ paid off. People were embarrassed if I had an outburst and did their best to conceal and make me like everyone else which was as clever as setting off a firework indoors! by giving me the controls, I turned the sinking ship upwards, onto clear waters because I knew what I needed! Still do as I prepare for my wedding!
Everyone with Aspergers can live a normal life if given the chance, even if it seems like it would be very unlikely….never say never…I once thought that my life would be shallow, empty and not fulfilling, I was wrong….It’s more than I could ever ask for and that’s because I dared to step out of the comfort zone and go for it