Hi everyone, this blog today is about well…friendship because well, I think it’s one of the most talked about things when it comes to having Autism…can they make friends bla bla bla…you’ve probably heard this so many times if you have Aspergers or if you know someone with it. Socializing is a factor that can’t be ignored because it’s pretty much the biggest mountain to conquer when it comes to Autism. I know all about it because I’ve struggled with it on and off for many years now, it’s been extremely difficult or it really was when I was much younger, I could make friends but had no idea how to maintain friendships and because of that, I would often end up losing friends as I grew up and this would pretty much last until I was around 17 really but up to that point, life just felt..pointless a little bit because I just didn’t understand what it meant to hold onto a friend…well except one but apart from that…life felt empty
School was the worst and that’s where many people develop friendships that can last a lifetime but not for me…well towards the last few years anyway but at the start, everything was fine, I had friends and never had to worry much about feelings, emotions or upsetting anyone! however after the age of 10, everyone else began to change somewhat and I stayed the same immature self that wasn’t understanding these changes, that would come much later and because of this, my so-called friends decided that I wasn’t worth their time and they abandoned me like a master driving out into the middle of nowhere and throwing his loyal dog out of the car and driving away, giving his faithful companion no hope of finding his way back, that’s how it felt for me as for more than five years, I wandered pretty much alone…that’s probably about the time that I felt more like an alien than a human.
If you have ever gone through a time in your life where you didn’t have any friends in School then you may be able to understand what it really feels like having to go everyday, knowing that no one will ever talk to you, unless they mock you with a nickname or just try to make you feel lousy…because you don’t understand simple things like jokes, emotions and if anyone is being serious or not…they think your weird because your always serious and if you do something daft, you lack the understanding of the seriousness of the situation…if you did…you’d stop doing it but you can’t because you just don’t understand, it’s not your fault but nothing can be done about it. It’s like being in the void of space, you’re the only one there and no one can hear you or see you! It took me a long time to get over having no friends and for the rest of my school life…I was alone.
Come around 16 and I finish school with not very good GCSES I decided to head off to College, well it was really because of my Dad that I went in the first place! I went home after collecting my marks and said that I wanted to sign up for a course at College…I just couldn’t sit at home and do nothing in that town anymore…it had caused me enough pain and I wanted to get away from it for a while and try somewhere new! So he drove me down to Skipton and I signed up for a course and that was that…a new chapter in my life was about to begin but because I had suffered for so long in School, I had zero confidence in making friends and was terrified that I would just go another year by myself however I was very wrong because the group I was in was very friendly! they accepted me straight away and the year was fantastic, I went to a birthday party for the first time in years, I was going on days out and talking to them every day! It was great because things felt like they were changing for the better but I then became afraid that things would just end up like last time and I would just end up all alone again.
It would only get better though after that as I decided to resit my GCSES and along the way, I made more friends and even began to like girls again, not that I ever asked them out ha ha, I didn’t want to push my luck but my confidence was slowly coming back to me! it was during this year that I decided to do Drama but here’s the funny thing…I only decided to do Drama GCSE because a girl I liked at the time was going to do it…true story but I then realised that I really like performing but weirdly, It was the best decision of my life because the next year, I would begin to make friends that would become more than friends, so much that they now are my groomsmen and best man at my wedding next year because I also met the love of my life, my soul mate on that course and that showed me that life really does have a way of working itself out. I would spent 3 years doing Drama with these people and we would go through so much during that time that I would say that those 3 years meant more to me than the 3 years I spent at University! it was those 3 years that saved my life, that made me see that life was definitely worth it. Moving away from that small town made it worth it, I can be a normal person anywhere else except there I used to tell myself, I hold no grudges to that place because I grew up there and it’s where my life began but those few years away from it were the best because I met people, real people and they look past my Autism and see me as a person and it’s the best feeling in the world, I just feel like it’s a shame not many could before hand but never mind that, the past is the past…all I’m focused on is the now and the future.