Warning: These are my own opinions! I do not intend to offend anyone with them so my apologies if you do.
I have always needed to just prove a point to the world, for so long I have always gone into battle with the intentions of wiping the smug grins of those who doubt me, I have always had that mindset for as long as I can remember now…so many years I’ve wanted to do this and now I ask myself…why? Why have I spent so much time, just to pull one over people’s eyes and prove them wrong? Would it really bring me satisfaction, make me happy or is that what I told myself would happen if I went and did all those things I was told I couldn’t?!
Imagine being told you can’t do anything in life…that your life is pretty much pointless…you’ll spend all your days living at home, never achieving what you want to in life, struggle to make friends, get married, raise a family etc That sucked and I…how do you respond to that at such a young age….how can you? Might as well have locked me inside a darkened cell and thrown the key away if I was that useless then! I didn’t understand, I had eyes, arms, legs and a mouth…I could walk and talk and this was before I was told I had Autism! How much can you kick one person until they have nothing left?
I grew up believing that everyone was against me, it wasn’t a fantastic way of looking at life but after that start…it was hard to not do so…I didn’t know then but I always imagined that I was a mistake in life because I was just ‘different’ from everyone else…I could feel it by how people looked at me, how they spoke to me and how everyone treated me like I couldn’t do a single thing without help…I hated it so much…I never wanted helpers in class…I craved to be able to study by myself, to just have a chance and show that I could do things or myself but no one would ever let me, I always had to have a helper and was never given a chance to shine on my own and gain confidence…I will never make my children feel that way as they grow up, I will not wrap them in cotton wool and refuse to let them grow! That, I swore to myself a long time ago!
I guess next was when I was told that I had Autism…the final straw as well as the turn around moment of my life because that particular was the last bad moment I had before I changed things about…I snapped and didn’t want to take it anymore. However, it took me a few years to get over the shock that I had something that I could never get rid off so it slowed me down but I caught up eventually and took control…I was so determined that I wasn’t going to let my Autism hold me back…nothing would hold me back from proving all of those people so regardless of all the worrying, overthinking and doing silly things from time to time, my goal was clear and I would achieve it!
Today, many years later, I feel like I still somewhat struggle to let go of those dark days, I want to forget and move on from them but how can you forget your childhood? I still can’t yet I don’t want to as well because it drives me to keep going, a burning desire to keep my spirits up and remember what I had to fight for in the first place….only focus on the positives would be good though but how can I do that when the negatives were so soul crushing and demeaning to me? Maybe I make them sound worse than they actually were, I mean not everyone was horrible but even so, the ones who weren’t didn’t understand either, I may have had friends but I still felt lonely in a sense, If you get me. I never want to feel that way again, to feel locked away because no one understands is bad and I refuse to let anyone do that anymore to me…I’m a lot more confident in my abilities now and all along, I knew I could achieve what I have…because I gave myself the chance to shine when I left School and started College followed by University!
I will always believe that no matter the situation, anyone with Autism can achieve their dreams, no one will ever convince me other wise and I’m entitled to think this…why not? We all have strife’s and we all have dreams in this life, right? I refuse to let anything stop me from reaching mine…even struggling to socialise or people not understanding just what Autism or if they do, assume I can’t do anything. You can believe what you want but everyone has the ability to have a dream and if they choose, follow it…after all…we only get one life!
I don’t think I wanted to get one over them all as much as I think I did, I think I was trying to save myself all along! Save myself from crossing that line and maybe…not seeing the point of life anymore.