This is a short one, I am very tired tonight…long day and all but when you wake up and do whatever your morning routine is…mine was getting up at half 4 for work today…do you regularly remember that you have Autism or have you ever had a day, week or even month where you have forgotten that you even have Autism? I think I once went…3 months and on e day I just randomly remembered ‘Oh yeah..I have Autism’ I must have been really busy doing University Work to forget all about it but it dawned on me…do I regularly think…My Autism prevents me from doing this and that….it holds me back…Autism this…Autism that to one day randomly forgetting about it…it was strange but it made me think about when I do ever think about my Autism…is it always a negative thought?
Well…it was weird for me to suddenly have to remember but is it because no one really ever notices that I have Autism and in an environment where no one really knows…is it possible that I stop thinking about it altogether for a bit? When I’m at home…I guess I think about it a lot more….history and all that because well…it’s where I grew up learning how to cope with it and all that but when I’m at University, Work etc I don’t really ever have any thoughts about it to be honest…I try to not worry about things because it’s worrying that I might think ‘It’s because of my Autism’ I used to do that a lot when I was younger but it’s a rare occurrence nowadays, to the point that I’ll forget so…is it when I’m in an environment that I’m reminded by others about my Autism that I think about it because here’s a pointer…before I was diagnosed….no one ever treated me differently really and life was fine…yet when I was diagnosed…constant thoughts about being able to do things and things changed but then I went to college and university yet barely anyone knew I had Autism and things…were better…weirdly, I’m not saying that it’s better…just something I noticed…when I don’t mention my Autism or be around people who know…things are as complicated and I’m more relaxed but why is that?
I have no idea to be honest, it’s just something that I was thinking about today…do I feel more pressured when I know that people know about my Autism and that causes me to worry too much…when I was growing up and went to school, I got diagnosed and it was horrible because it was all that was on my mind for years…made me depressed and no confidence at all, it bothered me because I was obsessed with what people thought of me yet today…if people, know I don’t care any more…why should I but I do notice that I think about it a lot more yet if nothings mentioned for a while or I’m around people who don’t know I have Autism….I can sometimes even forget I have Autism…I’m less stressed, don’t worry as much etc So this might just be for me but if my Autism isn’t actually mentioned at all and no one tries to treat my specially…I do better, less stressed and more confident, I mean that would explain why I did better once I turned 16 and went to college because barely any one knew about my Autism and I was in charge of my destiny so my confidence grew…was it all because I didn’t really have to think about my Autism as much? Did that help?
Weirdly, for me anyway…not having special treatment helped me grow and get more confident…I hated having any helper…I wanted to do things for myself and well…was always so happy when I could do so…probably because I was told I was unable to do so many things, I was delighted when I found out that I could….but to get to the point that I can forget I even have Autism sometimes…no idea if that’s good or not…my Autism doesn’t stop me from doing things as much as it once did but every now and then, it can pop up and remind me it’s there and sometimes…I am glad of it because at the end of the day…it’s a part of me and it always will be.