Well isn’t today just a fantastic day, WRONG! who am I kidding, I got into such a bad mood earlier today…a meltdown if you will and how much fun is it to put up a picture of a volcano up as the featured image! tons of fun because that’s how I feel when I’m in a Meltdown…a Volcano with all that Lava, smoke and soot spewing out of it’s mouth into the air and down bellow, wiping out all that is near, better bloody duck and cover!

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And what caused me to get into such a bad mood, to explode like Krakatoa did! I fell off a chair in a cafe…yeah, that’s right….I sat down on the chair and part of it fell off and I fell to the floor and I felt like people were laughing at me….I got in such a state about it because I felt they were laughing because of my weight…now let me explain…no one said anything about my weight…only I have ever thought I’m a tad overweight which everyone says is ridiculous and to be fair, I’ve seen people way bigger then me, I’m in a good place but I still want to lose at least 1 stone…or half of one…it’s like a challenge which I know I can do, I’ve done it before…ANYWAY, I’m going off track, I couldn’t get over it…I felt humiliated and my fiance laughed…she said the chair was probably faulty…I mean the 2nd chair I sat on didn’t break and it was the same make but it was too late, the negativity was in my head and once it’s there…it takes something special to get rid of it! I couldn’t concentrate and I had lost my appetite, I was mad….really mad…and since I can’t always tell by a person’s expression or tone whether their laughing at this or that…I convinced myself they thought the chair broke because I was big in their opinion (again, only I have ever said I think I’m big) the most I have ever weighed is 13 stone in my life! and when the chair ‘broke’ it was the seat part that fell through, the legs didn’t break or the back…just the bit you actually sit on! and like I also said, the second chair did not break and my fiance even said that her chair was wobbly!

The rest of the time was just awkward, I wasn’t interested anymore, I just wanted to go home and she had brought us here because she had a free ticket for afternoon tea for 2! sadly…the sandwiches were awful…sorry but I just don’t like ham with onion chutney or Beef with pickle…I don’t like cream or jam either so I just stuck to the small amount of crisps and my drink whereas Emma had both scones etc I’m British and could never had Afternoon Tea…not in a million years! I left the cafe feeling humiliated even though my fiance told me I had nothing to feel humiliated about, she even said I laughed about the whole thing at first but shortly after…I couldn’t help but want to scream and shout…I was embarrassed and I hated the feeling but I mostly stayed quiet…I hate not being able to tell how people really laugh, tell jokes when something silly happens…why did I assume it was because of weight the chair broke…surely the 2nd would have as well if it was about weight?! Right? If I am being honest, no I’m not fat but i’m not skinny either…I’m kind of just about a healthy weight but I have muscles as well so I have to count that as well, I mean I go jogging all the time! 6 mile jogs…I’m always active! I know I’m overthinking it here! My mind can’t help it…it’s like it needs to in order to get it out of my system.

If I don’t know why other people do something…it drives me crazy, I NEED TO KNOW or I’ll be thinking about it until either I find out or enough time passes by for me to forget about it…it took about an hour to feel calm again…all because of a stupid chair the cafe shouldn’t even be using…they all look old and weak to be fair…I’ve never had a chair break before….that was the first time…it didn’t hurt, it was just a shock!

In my head, only I think I’m overweight…even though in reality…I’m not…trust me, I’VE SEEN FAT! and even if I was…so what? Why should I be so upset over it…because of what other people think or how they judge you…wow, we humans are very VERY Judgmental towards others, aren’t we? Think about it, 2015 and we still have Racists, Homophobes, Cyber Bullies etc why kind people just be nice to one another…why does another person’s skin colour, sexuality or choice of life annoy us so much that we aim to make their life a living hell or even kill them, what right do we have to do that to another person?

I fell off a chair, felt embarrassed about it and let it ruin lunch time for me and my fiance and I feel bad about it so I’ll make up for that…I’m confident about that…good thing about something like this…you can do something about it…I’ll make things right and I’m not overweight…it could have happened to anyone to be honest…I can’t let this keep getting to me…meltdowns will not ruin my day! I won’t let them…I am better than this! laugh and move on!

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON!

2 Comments

  1. LOL – I’m a 70 years old male autie-aspie and I enjoyed your vivid description of your latest meltdown – I used to go into full near death coma due to asthma spasm induced oxygen starvation so the grim reaper would come and fetch me to take to heaven for god to have, hold, walk, talk and play with while effed and blinded at him as it was his fault – it was ALWAYS his fault I might add – and he readily took the blame – as it always took the wind out of my sails and becalmed me – thank god for god I say – who else would take the blame so calmly and uncomplainingly – ahahahaha – love your lava running down the slope and frizzing those avatars into skeletons

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