My Autism takes up all 24 hours of my day, from my decision making, all the way to how I sleep, depending if I can’t get a bad thought out of my head that is! It takes a lot out of me sometimes because for the most part, it’s always on my mind and doing other things at the same time is challenging from time to time…I have more thoughts than many because whenever I do anything, my brain always wonders if my Autism has anything to do with it automatically…I don’t always have a choice because if I ignore it…it’ll come back…I know that every single bloody time!
Have you ever been physically exhausted because of your Autism? I mean, has your Autism caused you to stress so much throughout a day that by the evening, your spent and can barely keep your eyes open? One of my biggest concerns is being unable to get over something in quick time so I can spend hours or even days obsessing over something and it can be tiring sometimes because you have to struggle it with what your currently doing and it’s tricky because for me anyway, everyone else is telling you to calm down and get on with things but you can’t! No matter how hard you try to do that, your brain won’t let you! But when is it too much? Everyone has a breaking point or as we call it, a meltdown moment when you’ve snapped and can’t contain it anymore! BETTER DUCK AND COVER EVERYONE!
Of all the things related to Autism, I find the point where you have to let it all out the most difficult and challenging, it can be draining and it can bring you down once it’s over because it happened in the first place, I mean…no one actually likes having a meltdown! You just want to scream when it’s happening!
However, how can we tell when it’s about to happen…it’s not the easiest thing in the world because every time you get angry…doesn’t mean your about to erupt! it’s like a random draw…one day it’ll be the one you have to have your little outburst…you could be in your bedroom, bathroom, at work, on a train, up a mountain or lord knows…having sex, yes I said it…Meltdowns can happen at ANY time! Doesn’t matter where you are or what your doing, it can happen in that situation…even in space although no one would hear your screams but that’s besides the point. I’d love to be able to say
I’m so sorry but can I be alone for a few minutes….I need to have a little scream!
So others are aware that I’m about to have a meltdown and really…I don’t want to get so mad and angry in front of them so either I ask them to leave me alone for a bit or I just walk off without saying anything because I don’t know how to put it across without feeling humiliated about it…I don’t want people to think I have anger issues because once in a while, I need twenty minutes to calm down because I’ve stored up all my frustrations for so long! I find it awkward…I don’t know about you but informing people I’m having a scream fest isn’t something I’d like to make public but don’t want others to think I’m being rude if I don’t say anything either…I feel like I can’t win either way!
Maybe I should just focus on learning what to do when one happens, rather than focus on when they will happen because I will mostly get it wrong I feel…I think it’s very hard to predict a meltdown! It’d be rather easier to have a plan in action for when one happens and try to do that thing whatever it is when the meltdown arrives, like get my favorite food or drink…watch my favorite movie…talk to my fiance, I’m sure I could come up with many things that will be able to calm me down…it can’t be that hard, right? right?
All I know is…it is a uphill fight to be able to try and make my meltdowns as short and contained as I can…for me, letting it out by myself is 10 times better than in front of a group of people that might not understand, but that’s only my opinion.