That’s right, my topic this time is sleep…why? Simple really! I have so many thoughts and worries during the time, my brain never stops…so what about when your trying to fall asleep? Think about it…you don’t have a choice because you’ll be soon getting ready to go to bed and as you lie down and turn out those lights, you stare up at the dark ceiling and your brain is still thinking away and you want to go to sleep!
Some nights are worse than others really, a few I can’t fall asleep for ages…especially if I’m worrying about something, in fact I wouldn’t be shocked if I put myself to sleep purely from worrying so much, I exhausted myself from it! But why? It’s bed time, surely my brain can calm down when it knows it’s time for well well earned rest? Apparently not and it’s bloody annoying because it shows me that even when I know I shouldn’t still be thinking about any worries or concerns, I just can’t help it and I want to tear my hair out and scream sometimes because I have been driven from my bed and had to go downstairs to tire myself out somehow, whether it be TV, a coffee or even writing something and I don’t always want to!
Weirdly enough though, I have never had a meltdown at night time, a bit random but true, all of my meltdowns happen during the day! You’d think I’d have had one by now from being angry about not being able to get some sleep because my brain won’t stop thinking about so many things and NO! counting sheep doesn’t work, I’ve tried that time and time again, it doesn’t work
Bed time is the one time that I want to be able to relax and sleep for about 8 to 9 hours a night and be ready for the next day but alas, if my brain is still concerned about something, I won’t sleep a wink until I feel like it’s been resolved! even tablets that are meant to help you sleep don’t work. When I was younger I’d shake my head from side to side quickly to make myself dizzy, then I would sometimes eventually fall asleep because of it but I don’t do that now….mainly because I share a bed with my fiance now and that would just be plain…weird!
Of course I know my Autism may not have a single thing to do with this issue, for all I know…I just am one of those people who struggle to fall asleep like that! But I do have to admit that I worry about certain things that most would be able to move on from quickly but I struggle to do that because I perhaps don’t believe in myself as much as I should do so my brain will continue to rethink my worries over and over again until I’ve either gotten past the issue or I’m just so bored of it that even I want to forget about it…which is hard because I have a very good memory.
Another thing is worrying that I’ve done all my checks before going to bed! like closing the curtains, turning off the heating etc because I can go about the house again and again double and triple checking everything and even then…I’ll check again and my fiance always wonders why I worry so much about it all…sometimes I even ask her to check something for me just so I won’t need to check them and obsess over it but sometimes, I’ll check regardless and sometimes I wonder why I want to…if I don’t…I will lie in bed, eyes open…wanting to go down and look anyway! Sounds sad but I just can’t help it…I can’t get sleep until I do what my brain wants me to do, it can’t feel relaxed until everything is done.
Anyone else struggle with sleep?
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