I’ve said this many times in the past but when I was younger, before I was a teenager…I had no idea what Autism or Aspergers was at all, I had never heard the words or had the slightest idea that it existed but then again, how could you expect me to? I was a kid! You can’t expect Kids to get everything in life straight away and to be fair, no one knew what Autism was in my part anyway, well my family or school didn’t anyway and I never understood what my doctors were telling me anyway and I don’t think my family did the best job of explaining it to me as well…maybe they thought I wouldn’t understand or something because…logic I guess.
I mean I had friends, didn’t have a worry in the world but why was that? Well mainly because…I didn’t understand any need to have any really, that would come later…when I got a bit older and oh boy, what a shocker it was!
Life when I was younger was extremely different to how it was when I was 16-20, miles apart….in fact you would think I was a different person altogether back then to my young adult years. For one, I feel like I have way much more say in what direction my life goes in now compared to back then….when my say meant absolutely nothing! I couldn’t think about what I wanted to be when I grew up, it seemed like all of that was already decided for me and I couldn’t do anything about it…because I didn’t ‘Understand’ the world at all, I just seemed to be oblivious to things like events, news or the future at all, I just could sit and stare…all the time at nothing and that was fine with me, I don’t remember why that is now, it’s been far to long since those days.
As you would expect, having a child like me wasn’t easy at all, I bet most would have given me away…I was that complicated and difficult to look after and no one even knew what was ‘wrong’ with me and for many years and I felt like such a burden because I didn’t learn anything naturally, everything had to be taught to me and sometimes it took so long…I learnt everything long after you’d expect most children to learn to walk, talk and write for example. If an argument ever broke out over me at home, school or anywhere…I felt awful because I wanted to know why I was like I was…why didn’t I understand the most basic of things when it came second nature to everyone else around me…I didn’t understand what it was to feel angry really, I felt sadness and pain but only because I saw so many arguments over me that it began to hurt more and more over time…it felt like I had taught myself how to feel sad back then.
Back to anger for a moment because from what everyone has told me over the years, I never ever seemed to get angry over anything until I was around 10…perhaps I understood more about the world I was in and was wise enough to see what people really felt I was capable of in this world…I finally understood and thus, my first meltdown happened, before that moment, everyone would call me the happiest boy they had ever seen….because that’s all I ever was, happy because I didn’t understand what everyone was talking about for all of those years but eventually, I was going to and it happened, 3-4 years before my official diagnosis which would slowly bring in half a decade of darkness and misunderstandings that would finally conclude when I finally had a say on where my life was to go from there and on wards.
I used to think that my family would be better off without me when I was younger, I often considered running away (no idea where) to make their lives easier, I needed plenty of attention as a child and I always felt like my brother was ignored because of that and I hated that because I didn’t want him to feel left out at all and because no one understood why that was, I often got looked at, as that troubled child and it was the worst feeling in the world because I didn’t want to cause tension between people at all but alas, I just couldn’t understand what everyone was seemingly able to. Everyone would argue over what school I should go to, what my life in the future would be like….most didn’t think I would achieve a single thing…I would life at home my entire life and kind of be a pointless existence! No one ever said that to my face but it felt like that was their mindset when it came to me!
For me, not understanding what was going on or why everyone argued over me so much, what I should do and what I couldn’t do or would ever be able to, was a nightmare but that’s how I’m feeling now, back then I had no idea…I was oblivious to all of this, I just could sit and stare and not care about anything bad at all but one day…I began to catch up and I became wise to it all more and more before long, I understood it all and I was so upset over it all because it hits you all at once, I am not meant to have a future! And keep in mind, this was before I was diagnosed with Aspergers! My life looked more blank and pointless before my diagnosis, what does that tell you….and even when I knew I had Aspergers, no one could understand it, how I struggled to make out expressions, other peoples emotions (I was called cold often) and struggled to make friends.
It was hard because I knew I would always have this, and at the start, it felt like a dead end…no way around it and thus, my five years of hate and loathing for this world began, a period I never wish to return to but that’s another entire story.