One topic I feel that I haven’t come across as of yet on here…is feeling alone and that could be down to well…it’s not a nice topic to talk about! Yes we can discuss subjects like
- Autism Speaks
- Life In General
But one subject I feel uncomfortable talking about is those moments you feel so isolated and alone in this world, even though there are more than 7 billion people on this planet! Yet I can sometimes feel all alone, even though I have good friends, a great family and a wonderful soulmate of a fiance! So how would I possibly feel lonely sometimes, what could possibly make me feel that way, even in the slightest?
Well, I have no idea but sometimes, I can feel lonely and I don’t like the feeling because I can feel sad and sometimes, might even cry slightly and It takes me quite a bit to admit that to you guys because I’m not ashamed of it! Why be ashamed about a normal human function such as crying? Anyway, I can understand why I might feel this way sometimes and it has a lot to do with my Autism….why you ask, well it’s quite simple my dear chums…I occasionally like a bit of time to myself yet at the same time, I wish I could have more confidence to speak to so many more people in this world but always feel like I can’t, in other words I can struggle to socialise sometimes! Oh the irony that I like time to myself but want to make friends but feel way to nervous to be able to do so!
So yeah, occasionally I guess I can feel all alone in this world and it’s like I can be behind this glass wall, even if I’m in a massive crowd, I can still feel all alone, unnoticed and scared because I always feel like I am the only one who feels this way which has to be untrue! I mean I know Autism and Socializing don’t exactly walk down the street hand in hand and all that, it can be hard sometimes because of that fear, the fear that you won’t be accepted by others, that they won’t understand you because of your Autism or maybe not to that extent, more than likely it’s because you’ve become to afraid to even try at times.
I used to look in the mirror every morning and say that I would try and talk to someone that I didn’t always talk to that day but most of the time I guess I wouldn’t do so because I would get to afraid, think about it too much and back out…to try again the next day. And I don’t know if feeling so upset over this little problem can trigger a meltdown because of all the emotions stirred up over it but most of the time, I haven’t let it get to that stage, I think in the last decade it has only happened once and that was in my first week at University and I’ll explain it a bit here for you
It was the first time that my girlfriend was visiting me at University and I was excited, mostly because it’s great to see her but also…because my first week had been a bit of a quiet one…I had gone clubbing with my flat and all that but for the most part, I stayed in my room…I was a tad bit scared to leave it to be honest, I felt intimidated by it all…moving away from home, being in a student village where I knew no one and I knew how much I struggled to meet new people….my flatmates were lovely, don’t get me wrong, they were more confident than me and had more experience in this kind of stuff…I felt like a little puppy looking up and being scared by everyone who was bigger than me, I just wanted to hide! But having her come down made me feel a million times better…the weekend was great because I could show her everything, the town I was living in…all these new things that we could do together for 3 years but alas, Sunday soon came and I knew she would have to go home…I would be all alone again and I think my head couldn’t take that…the long hours of silence in my room…no one to talk to physically…I think I broke down and crumbled to the floor and grabbed her ankles, I was desperate to not have her leave through that door and go! I began to start begging her to not go home, I was going to do whatever it took to make that happen, my head wasn’t sure whether I actually would but as long as she said she’d stay with me for the next week or so until I felt more comfortable at least but deep down…I knew she wasn’t able to, she had her family back home and she had college as well, it would have been selfish to ask that of her…As I began to cry, she immediately pulled me up and hugged me…telling me that it was alright and to let it out
I didn’t want her to go because I knew I was too afraid to try and talk to people, to go out and club with them…to make new friends, the idea terrified me…even though I really wanted to but I couldn’t…not by myself, letting her go home that weekend was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do…because I had to take her all the way to the Train Station first, then go back to my flat…the loneliest Bus Ride I’ve ever had that was…but that one moment, I really felt all alone…the one person I relied on was going home and I was all alone in a place I had been in for a week and still felt uncomfortable in. Where a majority of students were settled in and had their little groups sorted out, I was all by myself and I wasn’t sure at that time If I would survive or crack under pressure and leave University!
That was just one example of a time in my life when I felt all alone, an obvious one though because who knows, maybe everyone feels a bit alone at some point when they are at University but the point is, With my Autism, I feel it somewhat more…I always want to cry when I feel like that because it can feel like it will last forever, a long aching pain that will always feel like it will never go away, even though that’s all I want it to do.
I have friends, I have a great family and I have a fiance that I couldn’t live without! But some don’t have any of that and truly feel alone which shouldn’t be like that at all, everyone should have someone to be around, whether it be a family member, a partner or a friend, heck even a pet would do….it’s all better than nothing…even if it terrify s you to go out there and meet someone new, you have to at least try it! It is so worth it, even if you think it isn’t…you won’t know until you give it a go, then another go and another and you keep on trying until you finally succeed and make that new chapter of your life begin!
Never Feel Alone, Because Your Not!