I have been asked this before, how do I feel that I have Autism? Well as easy as it is to have that question asked because it comes around from time to time. Seriously, I have no idea how I would answer that question apart from saying
‘It’s ok…I guess’
Well, what am I supposed to say to this? That it’s the greatest thing in the world to have? I doubt many would say that really because along with pretty much anything else you can have in this world, it comes with it’s bad points, the ones that make you hate some days sometimes and with Autism, I’m talking about
- Having Friends
- Living a Normal Life
- Facial Expressions
- Understanding Emotions
Some of those of ones that many people believe someone with Autism won’t be able to do but I’ll leave that up to you which they actually are! However, much to what people hear online about Autism, most of it doesn’t speak for every single person with Autism! We are all different in a certain way, but I could tell a brick wall that and it would get it before some people would! I can’t tell every single person that wonders about my Autism in great detail or I’ll be doing it until all my hairs are grey or worse, I’m bald! And lord help me if that happens, it’s cold enough as it is up North and with no hair, it’d be so much worse! No thank you so don’t make me give you an hour description of the Autism that I have!
But how do I feel about my Autism? Well I guess It doesn’t actually matter what I think about it because I can’t do anything about it…I will have my Autism for the rest of my life and I don’t have a choice but to deal with it, so I live my life every single day with occasional down moments where I can worry about everything, always think I’m alone and often avoid looking people in the eyes as much as I can because…well the eyes intimidate me, it’s almost as if people are trying to look right into me when they look at me and I don’t like that at all! I feel almost as if it’s a invasion of my privacy which I know sounds silly but I can’t help but feel that!
As for friends, I have them…no doubt about it but I still feel lonely time from time and I’ll never fully understand why, maybe I’m a clingy individual who needs companionship all the time or I feel lonely? I don’t know, maybe that’s something I’ll come to understand as I get older and enter married life and parenthood!
I live my life, I go to work, I spend time with friends and my fiance, I go on holidays every year and I feel like I enjoy my life because it sounds pretty normal! So why do I feel like my life will feel slow, empty and unfulfilled which is horrible to think and say but when you can’t help but feel like that, it’s difficult to not say something about it! Why is that, because I have an answer for everything and I can’t leave something unfinished! Not in a million years could I ever think to do that, not in me!
I’m someone who has achieved quite a bit but still feels like he was ridiculed and looked down upon the entire way which had an effect on my confidence because I always felt like I wasn’t like everyone else…I was different but not for the right reasons, I wasn’t different because I was unique or anything like that…I was a quiet individual who at times enjoyed keeping to himself, someone who liked having the freedom to do what he wanted for once and didn’t feel pressured into anything that he didn’t want to do, it was like a sense of freedom that I had dreamed about for so long, only to realise sadly that it wasn’t as great as I had imagined it to be!
I don’t want to sound like I moan about my life, I enjoy my life, very much in fact! But don’t you ever feel like you could do so much more? Go the extra mile and achieve what you could only once dream off? Why does it only have to stay a dream? If you can dream it, you can do it! Why not? If you can conjure up the thought in your head, it should be able to become a reality someday! That’s how I feel anyway and in truth, that is also how I feel about my Autism, I can do anything with it…sure I’ll feel nervous doing it but so what? I’d rather feel something as I go through life and achieve what many said i’d never be able to do than feel nothing, sad and depressed because I was given a label in my teens! Life is what you make of it, what you decide to do with it and I am getting married soon, I’m going to become a parent and I am using my life to be happy! So my Autism is something that can be whatever I want it to be, It motivates me to try harder, to go that extra step and never accept average, aim higher if you can and get the most out of life, then one day I can look back and feel happy that it was all down to that decision I made as a 16 yr old to take over my own destiny and be in charge of my own decisions!
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