Bear with me, it might be quite the ramble but this was just a wonder, didn’t take it very seriously when I wrote this, not one bit but when you have a thought and write it down…doesn’t always make sense on the screen like it did in your head.
Now I know that the Title features the word ‘Death’ not a topic everyone feels comfortable talking about, of course! and that’s because I know many people who focus on their Autism like to talk about having it around the time being born, ‘Was I born Autistic?’ did they have it when they were born and all of that, I’ve read a few articles about it and then I had a thought….what about when your about to die? Birth and Death, two opposites but both necessary.
Death is that thing we see at the end of our lives, the clock strikes midnight…full time whistle is blown, all that jazz! not the best subject in the world because it’s a touchy one that affects everyone at points in our lives. A mysterious thing, Death as we can only imagine what happens to those that pass on… and it occurs…well it’s never set, it can happen at anytime of any day but I don’t recommend getting paranoid about that! But doesn’t the wondering of what happens next, make you think?
What I am saying is You have Autism when your born, when your living and when you die…what happens after you’ve died, I have no idea…one can only speculate but why does no one ever talk about the end of life? Is it too scary to think about, to upsetting? Probably and I can understand why! yet with my Autism, I have never really thought about Death…probably because I assume it’s a long long time away…I hope anyway
After all, Life has two doors at either ends, one where you enter and another where you exit but what is it about the exit door that has me asking more questions regarding my Autism than the entrance? I mean I know I was born with Autism, that much is a given but what about at the end of your life…I mean I know I will still have Autism on my deathbed…of course I will but you know how once you have in fact died….everyone speculates on what happens next, your life flashes before your eyes and you either ascend or descend…or in limbo…whatever you believe in…reincarnation as many and for some….nothing, once your dead…your dead! Game over….probably…so my Autism…I focus on it day in and day out, everyday…worrying all the time but one thing I have never worried about ever weirdly…is Death…strange considering it’s probably one of the scariest things that can,NO will happen to us all…unavoidable.
Yet it doesn’t scare me…I mean, why be afraid of something you know will happen, we know it will happen, just not when! I know I will always have Autism, just not how and why, out of curiosity of course…I mean I never enjoy not knowing the answer to something, drives me crazy! So my Autism doesn’t scare me because I know I can’t stop it….yet I can prevent it from disrupting my life which I have done over the years.
Thing is, Life goes on, after death…the World will still be here and everything will go on but one thing I have wondered for a long time is…my brain constantly thinks thoughts, some worries, and other things but I have always believed that no matter what…it will never stop…when i try to sleep or do anything when I’m awake but what about when I sleep but never wake up, sounds silly but I once thought I’d just keep thinking for all eternity…never stopping because my brain would never feel calm enough to do so. 500 years from now…still going!
But what I ponder over is….will I somehow receive answers to so many unknown questions, regarding my Autism…you know…like if you spend your whole life with unanswered questions to whatever has happened and you didn’t understand why…would we get the answers after Death but then again, maybe before we were all born, we had a flash of what our lives would be like but we have all forgotten….I mean I can’t remember most things from being 1 or 2!
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean I want to know why I have Autism like it’s a bad thing or anything…I’m just curious…not knowing and I would accept whatever answer I was given yet still be happy with the life I had…Autism has made my life a challenge of course but not in a bad way because things worked out well in the end but even so, I’d like to know why…just for the sake of it and, If I ever were to get an answer like that…It would more than likely be after my death, whether it would be real or just a dream as my corpse ls inside a coffin, deep underground…I don’t know, the future can’t really be predicted, we just have to wait…might be why more people focus on thinking about the past, rather than the future.
Thing is, I will have Aspergers all of my life but the one moment where it won’t matter one little bit is when I breathe my last breath…because I’ll be too happy thinking about everything I did in my life, so much that I won’t worry anymore, I’ll feel at peace and happy, not worried, paranoid about anything anymore but why so morbid? What’s important is here and now…life is wonderful and no matter how bad things feel, it will always be worse for someone else…somewhere in the world!
I guess the point is, Death is a wonder, a mystery that no one really knows what happens yet we can always look to the past to what we have already done, whereas with the future…only one thing is 100% certain…maybe that’s why we don’t feel comfortable thinking about it…if you know it will happen…and it’s the one thing you can’t prevent…spooky but for me, it’s the not knowing which is scarier and we all know Death is coming so it’s not that bad in a sense,,,of course unless it comes out of the blue, then it’s terrifying…where am I going with this? I don’t fear it…Death, Autism…because I don’t need to, not knowing is frustrating but not enough to stop me from writing more chapters of my life.
Guess I just found it strange how, out of all my worries in this life…the one thing that I’m calmest about…is the end of it all…why be scared? I’ll have a great life, and I’m optimistic about it, or very positive about that! I’m not depressed or anything by saying that Death doesn’t ‘scare me’ it does and it doesn’t. it does because it brings to an end, a life…my life but at the same time, my brain can’t be scared by something that you know will one day happen, it just can’t.