Hello World, it’s a windy and cold night here in the UK! It finally feels like Winter! Today, before the Dragons come, I had a good long think with a coffee and a nice toastie about just why I have worried so often about having Autism. Why do I worry so much about it every single day?
Being diagnosed in my teen years, I felt like it didn’t take me so long to get to terms with it…well 3 years after I accepted that I had it…took me a long time to cross that bridge people! Anyway, by myself, I felt like after a bit of effort and stepping out of my comfort zones…I grew and became a more confident person, even though many would tell me that I would amount to nothing when I was growing up! Hard to feel motivated when your told such negative things at an impressionable age!
I would give myself goals to aim for but I had started that when I was like 5! It’s something I have always done really and I will probably always do that or I think I’ll just get bored and not put as much effort into anything! Have I ever tried to not give myself a goal before? Yes…it was a very boring five minutes, let me tell you!
Having something to aim for is always a good thing, or it is for me…it pushes me and makes me try so much harder in everything that I do…I spend so much time worrying about everything in my life constantly, due to a fear of being looked down upon because of my Autism…people finding out and just assuming that I am incapable of doing anything!
So, I always give myself something to aim for because ever since I was little, It has made me want to try that much harder…I can’t remember why I started to do that when I was a kid but I haven’t ever stopped! Through School, College and University I have strived to find something to go towards, a goal to achieve but as I have mentioned many times in the past, My Autism doesn’t always make it easy but that’s not a bad thing at all, I mean at once I believed it was because of how other people around me perceived it, it wasn’t how I looked at it, it was how others looked at my Autism and judged me that made my life so tricky growing up!
When I understood what I had and it’s little ticks and what not, I felt fine because I understood it and that’s all that mattered to me, I didn’t care what anyone else thought or said, they aren’t me, they don’t live my life so why should they have that much of a say as to how I do things or look at life? Other people’s opinions matter to me, of course but I don’t want negative ones to influence me as they once did! I have the Autism, as far as I am aware…not many others that I know do, one or two do! The rest that I have known haven’t had a clue what Autism is, even to this day, I find people that have no clue what it is and think it’s an illness that I suffer from…Often have hand over face during these moments!
They don’t have a say on my future, Only I decide that little decision from now on and I couldn’t be happier because before hand, I was bloody miserable not having a say on what I wanted to do with my life! Other people can have their opinions but only mine and a certain view I actually care about when it comes to what I can do and what I want to do, If I listened to every single individual through my life that ever doubted me…I’d probably be in a dark basement, too afraid to leave it!
Have a good night!