Hello there everyone and welcome to this blog! Before I get started, let me point out that this isn’t specifically about everyone with Autism accepting it, I am sharing what happened with me when I found out that I had it because let’s face it, not everyone will react the same, I am only speculating that it could be 50/50 on whether people accept it or not, I have no idea if people keep track of that sort of thing really, how people react when they are told! I just reckon that it is quite an important part of your life when you are told, depending when during your life you are indeed told! Whether it’s when your a child, teen or adult…it can have an impact in some form of way, good or bad…some people may just be fine with it and get on with life and that’s good! If you were told you have Autism and you just accepted it, I applaud you because I really wish I could have done the same and that’s the adult me saying that, the teen me…not so much, I would have said a totally different thing to you at this moment in time!
Ok, let’s get started, I was told when I was a teenager and we all know how emotional teenagers can be, a very changing time for all and it was a very confusing one for me…not sexually or anything, I mean because I was confused about why I was doing things without thinking them through…why didn’t I care about consequences at the time? One thing I really struggled with in my teens was accepting it…I don’t know about anyone else when they found out they had a form of Autism, whether it be Mild or more so but when I was told, it did bring a bit of closure because it rather did explain an awful lot but it also opened up many more doors and left me with a world of questions to ask, none of which I had the answer to!
It was a tricky time, being told quite bluntly that I had something…after all those years of being tested on and questioning what was wrong with me, to finally know…you would think it would make everything better and eventually it would but at that moment, everything was made a million times worse for me because I felt like I fell into a deep depression that lasted for up to 5 years afterwards, I was very unhappy and it affected many of my decisions during that period of time.
Why couldn’t I accept that I had Autism? Well I didn’t really have a choice, it’s not like I could say that I don’t have it…I mean I could in a way by never telling anyone I guess but I’m not that kind of person, I would have told someone eventually, I know myself and one day, I would have let it slip in a conversation or something, that and my school knew, hence my college knew and then University, it was on my records…what could I do? I wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed about it all, I think it was more fear…because they tell you it will never go away, this thing that made you act in a way that people look at as strange, you can’t help it, you just automatically do things that others pick at and insult you for…well for me that was the case anyway.
I had perhaps two friends, apart from that I was alone…sort of an outcast because no one got me…I was just the weird kid who talked to himself…I often did that and never really thought about it…growing up can be tough! Once I knew I had Autism, it made it worse because my school pretty much made it public knowledge by removing me from classes and giving me more help that something had happened.
I had no idea what Autism was at all, it was a new word and world to me, I had never heard of it before hand…no one I knew had ever said that word before so I had something and I had no idea what the hell it was or how I got it…it’s the reason I struggled to keep friends or even talk…something I couldn’t see…that no one could see and it was frustrating because what could I blame for all of it…nothing? I finally knew what I had but there was little I could do, other than learn to live with it and not let it affect my life! Back then, easier said than done…I mean I didn’t know anyone else who had it…and I was given all of these books that a five year old would enjoy….I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I was like 14 at the time, I don’t want to have a fill in book that tells me I’m special! I felt like everyone was treating me like a kid! It was humiliating! If I was a little younger like 7 then It wouldn’t have bothered me at all but I wasn’t and it was the worst!
I was taken out of the class that I was in at school and put into a much smaller one with a bad name to it, pretty much all the students who were trouble makers because they struggled to ever pay attention in class…just wonderful!
Ok, so eventually I got over it and when I left school after a horrible few years, I made the choice to go to College, even though others weren’t so sure about it…I was able to think for myself and it was then that It made more sense to me…having Autism wasn’t that bad, that wasn’t what was making me so sad! It was just revealed to me at the worst time possible and I used it as an excuse for everything else that was wrong with my life because others were already doing that anyway. It was how others perceived it that made me feel bad, before hand I felt like I had something but didn’t know but once I did, everyone wanted to shut me away in a small class and only do Maths, Science and English and learn Agriculture!
Perhaps if things had been different, if I was just left to be me and continue my studies, I would have gotten over having Autism so much faster because being told I’m special all the time just got me bullied and made me hate myself because I felt powerless and unable to do anything without it being questioned anymore, I was upset, alone and didn’t see the point of having a future if it was just going to be like that…you may think I’m being a bit dramatic but I promise you…having no control over my future in any way is the worst! I knew I was capable of so much but was never allowed to do anything…I felt trapped and had no say because no one around me knew what Autism was either….I researched it myself, no one else was going to teach me about it, they just knew it was something wrong with me and went with it!
I guess that’s where I got my distrust in people…they didn’t know what to do with me and they delayed me for many years, I had to resit my GCSES in college but by then I had regained all that confidence I once had! I once had but had it robbed! I was determined to rub it in their faces because they had made me feel so bad, I grew to actually hate them!
So there you go, that was my experience once I was told I had Autism, it happened at a bad point in my life and it changed it for the worst until I was able to make my own decisions when I discovered it was only bad because of how others looked at it, unaware of what Autism actually was…their unknowing was bad for me and slowed me down until I was 18-19 when I could put it behind me, finally!
Just to remind you, that this was my experience only…I am not speaking for everyone with Autism who may be able to relate or may not…many will have accepted it and got on with life , their will be a million different stories to tell because no one with Autism is the same!
Hope you have a good day!