Greetings Friends, this is Asperwhat?! An Autism based blog…where pretty much someone with Autism talks about his own experiences in everyday life and if he feels that his Autism has a major impact on anything that he does, oh boy! Recently, I have discovered that as I get older, I have a different look on certain things…for example, when I was a teenager I thought Aspergers was the worst thing on the planet, I hated it so much, I once thought life was pointless yet today, I couldn’t be happier and I have often forgotten that I even have Autism, in fact if I didn’t write blogs about it then I probably would again!
Here I go, I do often get to a point where I feel like I don’t want to go on anymore with this mind of mine, it never shuts up and is constantly in worry mode, to the point that even I have gotten bored of it and I find it very hard to be bored of anything! For the record, because I know I can’t help it, I often do actually move on from it because what’s the point of beating myself up over something I can’t completely stop altogether?
I feel like everything can just get too much sometimes, even if I can’t stop it, it will always keep happening but it can vary for me, sometimes I can go a week without worrying! It’s like my levels of frustration have reached their peak and I have to vent out and fast, to the point now that it feels like some kind of ritual or something…it has to happen! I often wonder if it’s all too much for me to handle, can this vessel that is my body handle all this pressure and stress or will it just one day crack and explode?
I often wonder…do I put more effort in to just be able to accomplish something that would be simple to someone else? I don’t know but when I grew up and was always told I wouldn’t be able to do anything by myself…it makes me think that in order to do something to an acceptable standard, I would have to go the extra mile, just for that!
I mean, with the continuous struggle against being able to express emotions to a standard is tough enough, I mean it gets really annoying to be told that I sound like I don’t care or I’m just too moody…it’d be nice to swap my mind with someone else and let them deal with the constant thoughts and worries and see how cheerful they ca be
I have often seen others complain about how hard life is for them and I know the issues they talk about and when I hear them…I will roll my eyes and sigh thinking
”I wish that was all I had to bloody worry about”
I mean I wish I only had to worry over something like leaving a tap on or a light on when I go to bed but for me, worrying over how someone looked at me for about a week is just an example of something that can really drive me about the bend! I don’t try to be dramatic about it all but this isn’t something that is made up because life can be hard…my head really feels like it could explode sometimes because I’m stressing about every little detail and it drives me crazy that I really struggle to let anything go because I don’t like bad things to happen to me or anyone that I care about and I can’t help that but I don’t use that as an excuse, I just don’t like to have a meltdown in public if I know it;s getting to much, I would much rather prefer to have one in private, away from everyone…I feel a lot better if I’m alone when it happens because I don’t have to worry about reactions afterwards.
Then I always remember that life always has challenges, ups and downs…I don’t need to always fear the worst when I can also look forward to the best…both must walk hand in hand because without the bad, the good wouldn’t mean anywhere as much so I have to do my best during both and stay strong!
Thank You For Reading, Not That You Actually Did!