I have always found talking to be a major issue really, I mean everyone tells me that it’s a major issue for people with Autism because it’s what really makes us unable to be social to the standard as what society deems acceptable! Ever feel like your judged for not talking to others? I sure have done before, I mean when you get people asking why you don’t talk that much, you may feel a tad awkward because when I do want to talk to someone, I often feel like a lemon is in my mouth!
No, you read that correctly, I get the horrible sour taste in my mouth that outs me of communication and makes me want to run away and hide or I might as well do because I often try to opt out of a talk if I feel that it isn’t going in a way that I feel comfortable with! You often hear people say that someone with Autism will only want to talk about what they like, that they aren’t interested in what someone else has to say or like. It angers me when someone gives me the story of how they know that one person with Autism that ambles on about what they like and all that, never giving anyone else the chance to speak and all that so the other just gets the image that all people with Autism do that!
Why must I explain time and time again to people that no one with Autism is the same…what is it about that where so many people just don’t get it?! I get the impression that a brick wall will get it before the whole human race will! It shouldn’t get to me but when you personally struggle to have long conversations and are trying to get better at it, to have some people not let you have that chance because they just assume I am being rude…how am I or anyone else supposed to improve, grow and learn if others shut us down? It always feels like no one can see that I am struggling to keep a conversation going but is it bad that I could expect someone to pick up on it? Is it expected? I probably shouldn’t think like that really because I can’t expect to see things that way really, life just doesn’t work like that.
Rule number 1…I am not being rude by not talking to you! Let’s just get that one out of the way straight away! I’m just too nervous to find the words as to what to say to you is all! Far too many times in the past have I been accused of being rude because I don’t talk that much…like it’s a rule or something but here’s the thing about all of that…If I could find the courage and the strength to be more talkative to everyone than I would! Believe me when I say that because I don’t enjoy starting a conversation, getting to nervous and then trying to get out of it by any means!
Rule number 2…sometimes it would be nice if the other person in the conversation could perhaps pick up that I might be struggling with the conversation and instead of assuming that I am being rude, they could ask if I am alright and help me along just a little, would really appreciate something like that if someone could just not automatically assume that I have no interest in what they have to say! I am always interested in other people’s hobbies and likes as well as what opinions they have to share with the world…it would be nice to assume that just because one or two people with Autism might not care doesn’t mean that everyone does!
Is it just a whinge? Maybe but it’s a personal matter to me because if I could choose one thing that I could instantly get better at right now, it would be talking to others in a more confident manner! Obviously because I bet that so many others would also love to find that power to be able to go out and make new friends by being able to talk, interact and feel comfortable around more people. For me, that would be amazing, after all, I’ve been to college and University and feel like I had a lot of missed opportunities because I just couldn’t ever feel confident enough to get involved as much as I could have done! I got fed up off hiding away from people and feel ‘safe’ in my room, it could be lonely sometimes and unproductive which is never really good now is it?
I practice and try to talk longer each time I have a new conversation and I feel like I have gotten somewhat better at it over the years but still feel like I have a ways to go before I can be ‘normal’ at it…whatever that is. Don’t get me wrong, I have never felt like an outcast, I know that if I really try, I can do it and no one has tried to make me feel like I don’t belong, it is a somewhat thought in my head that convinces me to think negatively about it all, like having that annoying lemon in my mind, giving me sour thoughts on it all.