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Good day everyone, it’s your DailyPickMeUp! I hope that everyone has had a nice week, wish that mine had been a little bit nicer but sometimes, events happen that can halt everything else for a while and can make you question this thing that we call ‘life’ it can sure surprise you sometimes with it’s sudden sharp turns and out of the blue shockers, one that has turned the family upside down this week.  This might sound like a rant but understand, my head isn’t all in this one or anything else at the moment!

I am upset right now and angry because someone who was very close to my fiance and close to me is no longer amongst us and…it’s terrible because it has changed everything! So many people’s life’s have suddenly changed because of it and none of us know what to do now, as if our lives were revolving around this individual, god rest his soul

I’ve had time to reflect about myself this week, more than I have for a long time now! Did I ever really come to terms that I actually have Autism or could it be that I am still in denial about it? I mean I say I accepted it and came to terms with it a few years but have I? I spent years denying it but did I just one day say…whatever I accept it…does that count?

I don’t know if it’s the sudden death in the family that has made me question things, I don’t know but all of this week, I have felt utterly lost and all over the place! I am questioning myself so much, have I just covered up the cracks of my past and been living in denial? What if I still hate the fact that I have Autism, I don’t actually know because I haven’t felt this lost for many years now, the last time I felt like this, I was in a state where I denied that I even had Autism, about 11 years ago when I lost someone else

More than likely, I am just upset over what has happened and am having an emotional meltdown that isn’t as stormy as the normal ones, it’s different because it’s longer and very confusing! I feel out of place and scared about what’s next, it hurts knowing that you won’t see that person anymore, it’s strange because you saw them alive this week, the next minute they are gone!

So I thought that I would have it down in writing here and now so there is no doubting it or denying it for myself because I can’t keep doing this to myself, I can’t keep letting the past sneak it’s way back into my life or I’ll go insane, all of that fighting would have been for nothing

Autism, I accept you! I mean why not, it’s not like I have a choice, I can’t just reach inside my head and remove you! No point fighting something that you can’t remove from yourself, I have overcome your tests and earned your respect, you no longer trouble me, you strengthen me now and make me believe in myself because if I can overcome that, I can defeat anything! I must never forget the uphill battles that led me to where I am

This isn’t for everyone, no doubt that it won’t speak for everyone with Autism, no single blog will because everyone with Autism is different, can you add every single aspect of Autism into a single blog? It’d be a mighty long blog! That’s how vast it can be though, I always have something new to learn.

2 Comments

  1. I’m really sorry to hear you are dealing with the loss of someone close to you. Death has a way of turning our lives upside down and forcing us to re-look everything we thought we knew. It’s a hard part of life.

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