Warning- Opinions in this blog are the bloggers only and are not meant to be taken as fact so he advises that if not shared then take with a grain of salt. More to life than getting upset over a strangers opinion if you ask me. But he hopes you enjoy reading the blog regardless. So in other words
Hello everyone and welcome to the DailyPickMeUp and today, I write about what it is like for me to have Autism or what it is like for me to go through an average day, what my mindset can be like, what happens that I consider to be worth worrying about….spoiler alert, a lot!
This blog is a little insight into what it is actually like to have Autism…from my perspective, keep in mind that my experience is MY EXPERIENCE, not everyone’s so don’t go away assuming that everything I do and feel is what everyone else with Autism does as well, this is my story and experiences only so don’t get any ideas that this is a definition of Autism as a whole, it is only one example of millions that occur everyday.
Keep in mind that with my Autism, your experience might be very different so if you are reading this blog, do not assume that my experience is what everyone with Autism goes through because the experiences for everyone will be very different and I would say this in the name of the post but the name would be too long so I’ll explain it here for you…this is my certain point of view. To go from a past that was so dark to a future that looks bright.
I have known that I have Autism for around 13 to 14 years now, about a little more than half of my life! So my story is a little of two sides of a coin and I’ll explain. On one half, I was living life fully unaware that I had Autism or that such a thing even existed, so it’s not that surprising that I might have viewed life a little differently because It was what I knew at the time. After I was diagnosed, of course…everything changed for me. My way of thought was different because all I could think about was Aspergers, what is it and why does the name sound like an insult…if you’ve seen South Park, you’ll know what I mean by that. Ass burgers as it’s called ”shudder”.
Over the last 10 years, I have explored parts of the world and expanded my once so small horizons and began to learn more about myself as a person which I thought was impossible because of my diagnosis, it was how I was made to feel by medical professionals and teachers beforehand, don’t expect much from him! Yet at 16, I was suddenly able to make my own decisions and the first BIG one was going to college. It was a disgrace that it took so long for this to be able to happen, 16! I had known for around 3 years before hand and for that whole time, I spent hating myself because no one knew what to do or say to help, I felt alone.
Annoyed and bitter I guess on how it was all handled…how was I able to simply go to college and be like, I can do this when others spent years telling me that I couldn’t…it was easy, despite the worrying about making friends, travelling, new challenges, confidence and such…I’d rather go and try than never know…I succeed because I believed in myself enough to try…people didn’t even want me to try…says a lot, especially when most of them didn’t know what Autism was.
No one wanted me to go to college, it would be to hard to go yet I persisted and spent the next five years resitting exams and rewriting the wrongs dealt to me by those who didn’t understand. I would explore new ideas along the way and meet important people who would be so amazing in my future years, including the love of my life but I also met more people with Autism and learnt that we were barely alike, apart from worrying and the love for acting.
Ok, so things were bad at first but I was able to turn it around and let me say, I was able to, no one else did it for me…to be fair, they were terrible and just made things worse for me…I have always been better shining by myself. I have friends and a fiance but when it comes to working, I prefer to work alone….probably why being a writer is so enticing to me. Life after 16 has been a million times better than before, I felt so free and in charge of my life…finally! this year I turn 26 so it has been 10 years of me being in charge of what I can do and I have in that time.
- Gone to College
- Gone to University
- Had Jobs
- Had Girlfriends
- Have Friends
- Have a Fiance
- Getting Married
- Traveled all over Europe
- Had a story published.
Onto what I feel that my life is like on an average day…now that the story is told of my origins or when I was diagnosed. let’s start with the main issues, I worry an awful lot about so many things, everyday…it’s ridiculous! How I haven’t been hospitalized because of stress is something I consider to be a miracle! Seriously, it feels that everything just scares me far too much than it probably should but it’s not something I can control so easily everyday single day as sometimes, I feel it slip and if I’m tired, I let some slip and I become a slight bit more paranoid than normal which isn’t always a good thing. Most days, I am fine and live a normal life…go to work, do chores, spend time with loved ones and blog, makes me happy.
Always worrying about what other people think of what I do and say is another one that I think about far too much because it once dominated my life. I would often change things and not stick to what I said because one person might not agree with it and one day, I just had enough, I was fed up of complete strangers dictating how I should write because they didn’t agree so one day I just said ‘Tough s***’ if you don’t like it, carry on and read something else, you aren’t dictating to me what I should write about and it’s has been a haven ever since because I feel more confident in myself because beforehand, I felt like for many years, people have been walking all over me and convincing me to change what I say and do because they don’t agree with it, it’s not their opinion but that doesn’t let me have one and I deserve one! I work just as hard as anyone and I pay bills, just like anyone else who lives independently, therefore I get an opinion because I breathe and live on this planet just like all of you!
Sorry, got off topic a tad…been a roller coaster of a life. I have plenty to learn about Autism and look forward to learning over the years, it will be fantastic to see and meet new people and see new places along the way but as of right now, My Autism is me, a part of me….I would never give that up, ever because it’s like admitting that something is wrong with me when nothing is!
Of course, Meltdowns are an issue, an annoying one of course because they can happen anytime and sometimes, in public but I think I covered this topic many times in the past like here but it’s just like the core of your mind is about to crack open and you will go into such a massive rage that you don’t want to stop, yet you do but you don’t feel that at the time…you don’t care what you say or do at the time…that comes later which can sometimes be dangerous.
You feel alone, isolated, you want the bad thoughts to stop, to leave you alone and to calm down, especially if you meltdown in public…it’s so embarrassing but you can’t always help it! I always want to be alone when it happens but if I can’t be, I go silent, praying that no one speaks to me…so I don’t bite their heads off with verbal abuse, I can’t help it…not with so many negative thoughts in my mind….I feel awful afterwards if I’ve upset anyone….it’s the worst feeling in the world and I hate myself for it!– a previous blog
Another issue is not being able to forget things…anything really, I have a better memory than an elephant and can remember everything I have seen and heard, my earliest memory is when I was a baby, being lifted out of my crib by my brother. All the good times along with the bad as well. Some might say that it’s good to never forgive but is it? All the bad times I can remember like they only happened yesterday, so clearly and in detail, it’s ridiculous! It can be hard to overcome things when you can forget the things that have hurt you in the past, when you want to move on but can’t forget a single thing about it…makes it even harder and adds extra stress on in my opinion, although this may not have anything to do with my Autism at all, I don’t know.
Pretty much, for me life is one big stress that never seems to get any easier as when you overcome something, another object will just replace it…some days are better than others and they are the ones worth cherishing whereas some I wish could go to the back of my mind and locked away, alas I rarely forget anything so I can understand why I get so stressed sometimes because I don’t forget so easily so every bad thing that has happened, I remember as clear as day and night…going over them again and again like a bad dream!
For now, I’ll finish here or I’ll go on all day because in my mind, explaining what it’s like to have Autism can take a while so this is a small taste of what it’s like for me…it’s hard yet it’s also rewarding because I go through a lot, worry a lot and feel like I won’t succeed yet I’ve made it this far…isn’t that a success? Always believe in yourself and never give up the fight to achieve your goals because your opinion is the most important one, I mean it’s your life after all, why should someone else dictate it for you?