Warning- Opinions in this blog are the bloggers only and are not meant to be taken as fact so he advises that if not shared then take with a grain of salt. More to life than getting upset over a strangers opinion if you ask me. But he hopes you enjoy reading the blog regardless.
Autism- What Is A Meltdown Like?
Hello and welcome to this blog which is all about me explaining just what a Meltdown can be like for me, what can happen and how I tend to deal with it which could not be what you would do but that’s ok, we are all different and have different methods to cope. Please note that this is personal for me because it isn’t easy to admit that Meltdowns can upset me sometimes, they aren’t something that I enjoy at all and if I could go without them, I would!
Meltdowns aren’t chosen on purpose, they can’t be helped and no one means to shout or throw an object in anger purposely, it’s a process that happens to me as I have Autism and it’s mostly when I have gone through a lot of stress and can’t take it anymore, I need to ventilate and release all that anger out before I snap and scream loudly or that’s what I’d love to do but never really ever do that, I cry mostly and feel bad about myself, feeling lousy really.
What Is A Meltdown?
This is just from my experience so bear with me here because it could be different for you! A Meltdown for me is a release of stored up, pure aggression that comes out in one full blow that is so terrifying that I will do whatever it takes to only let them out in privacy and NEVER in public because it is so humiliating to have that happen in front of other people!
I hear people who don’t understand say how unhanded and stupid I am for having an outburst, like I belong in a mental institution or something because of a Meltdown, to the point that it has scared me to ever have one outside, in case I get some uncaring individual who has an attitude and ruins your day because of one stupid comment!
A Meltdown is never fun people, it is never a joy to behold or a relief once it’s over…I hate them! I don’t enjoy wanting to scream and break things, why would anyone think that it’s a stress relief or that I can’t control my emotions? It’s a very personal, emotional and hard process that I will go through from time to time where I let out so much anger and negative thoughts in one short amount of time before eventually calming down and wanting to cry badly because it is so intense sometimes on my body and mind that it can take a while to get over and move on from!
You Just Have Anger Issues!
Let me make one thing perfectly clear, A Meltdown is never planned, I don’t schedule these things to happen at 2pm on a Tuesday or something! It can happen anytime, anywhere and it sucks because it can really put a damper in plans and make my friends question if I’m alright at times. It can be brought on by a great amount of stress, that much I’ll admit….I get stressed a lot because I have to deal with a lot and others can handle that amount of stress a lot better than I can!
I don’t slam my head against a wall or anything, no attacking other people or breaking windows, the worst I think I have ever done is throw a clothes hanger against the wall when no one else was in, that’s it! I might be angry but I don’t become a wild animal or anything, I still have control and often just lock myself away for a while…put some music on or watch a funny show until I’ve calmed down! No one puts me in a strait jacket or anything! It can be about 2 minutes and then things go back to normal!
It’s not anger issues, I am normally a very calm, happy and out going person who loves life and does his best every single day, I don’t just randomly decide one day that I’m going to scream and throw a tantrum in front of my class before crying back at my flat over it on purpose, I don’t plan it at all and it’s upsetting when it happens because other people saw that vulnerable side of me, the one that barely anyone has seen before and it scares me that people will take it the wrong way and judge me forever over it!
What’s It Really Like?
Hell, pure hell…I can feel like I’m out of breath afterwards sometimes, sweating even because it can take a lot out of me mentally and physically, I feel like s*** most of the time because I spend the whole time doubting myself and being negative, my mind constantly tells me I’m worthless and I can’t focus on anything else, it dominates and takes over completely, I almost feel helpless, full of rage and I want to explode but I never fully do, it’s like a controlled explosion in the end that is dealt with safely and out of the way but it hasn’t always been like that.
I used to have Meltdowns in public all the time and it was so humiliating to have all those eyes on me, judging me. The comments and taunts over the kid with anger issues, the freak! Crying but still being laughed at, even by parents was horrible…a moment of madness that can make you lose hope, can make you lose love! It all hurts and it can make me feel utterly worthless because I feel like I should be ashamed over something I haven’t always understood when I was young and still now, to feel helpless and all alone by others was and is the worst. To feel like I was being tossed into a black pit of loneliness and no one would pull me out….so I climbed out and will never go back, I grew a thick skin over time and comments no longer hurt me and eventually, they stopped.
It’s not always like that, not all Meltdowns are bad…some are minor and easy to get past but the ones that are serious and dangerous are the ones I remember because I learn more about myself and what I am capable, what I can really feel and express sometimes when I am afraid to otherwise, like courage and bravery live deep within but can only be released in a great time of need or fright, it can be a beauty but it can also show a beast that can be hard to temper with, who fears no one.
I will finish by saying that a Meltdown is the hardest thing about my Autism, the one thing that is a nightmare at times because of the intensity of it all. Like a raging wild fire destroying all in it’s path, I need time to be put out or to feel like a wild Stallion out of control, bucking and rearing wildly at anyone who comes near me sometimes, never to be truly tamed by another who thinks that they can, the intense rage I can sometimes feel can often be like I am invincible yet completely vulnerable at the same time.
We all get angry at times but when I store it all up and can’t let it out in small doses, I should know if one is coming because I never fully let it out in small doses because I always convince myself to not do so or I’m afraid that I’ll just have a Meltdown anyway, I just don’t know at times and I don’t want to risk it!
So that is what a Meltdown can feel like for me sometimes, an intense blaze of madness that I fear, that I don’t fully understand and try to control as much as I can but it feels like it cannot be tamed at times but all is not lost as progress over time has been made so that has to be a positivity! I will never let it take me over, I will control it and I will persevere with this because I am not a rage machine and I will not ever become one!
I am a beautiful soul that wants peace and to live his live to the fullest, enjoying every moment along the way, hoping to learn at every step along the way as well.
Thank you reading this personal blog