Hello everyone, today I had an experience that made me really have a think about my emotions and how they can be a guide to me and as well can be a burden to what I want to get done and that is simply because my feelings always take me on a journey of discovery and I don’t always know if I will come back the same on the other side or not .
I was with some friends today and it was a good day and it was great to see them all again but what I couldn’t help but feel was that I am a very quiet individual who at times, can go without saying a word and I often feel that it’s because I don’t have completely the same hobbies as a couple of them so when they are talking about that, I just really stand there silently…I don’t want to stand there in silence, I hate that but can’t help it…I guess I am good at beating myself up by not believing in myself or if I go in too deep that I’ll end up having a meltdown or something!
Feelings are something that can make or break my day! Whatever I feel, whether it’s joy or sorrow, it determines what kind of day I will be having and today, even though I had a good day….I still felt down because I felt somewhat quiet all day and it made me feel like I have changed as a person! I used to do all of these things but not as much now because since those days, I’ve been to University and gotten engaged to the love of my life, moved out of my parents and have a job now.
I asked them today if they thought if I was quiet or not and they said that I can be at times but so can they at times as well so I did feel a little bit better about it but as I got home, I felt like I could cry…I don’t always see them because of stuff like work and I have a wedding to prepare and everything so I don’t always have time to play Magic the Gathering and talk about Game Of Thrones all the time and even if I could, I don’t have enough time to get seriously into it so I do feel awkward sometimes when we do meet up and I really shouldn’t because I am who I am and I am happy but when it comes to friends, I at times never believe in myself at all and I feel emotional at the end of a day out.
I’ll admit that I have had friends come and go and that I might be someone who dips their toe in the pool but doesn’t go all in for fear of a fallout, like in my past I guess so I’ll see them every now and then but won’t see them on a daily basis because we all have jobs and such, it can be hard growing up because responsibilities take over and everything and that has happened to me, I have made a life for myself and I am happy with it, I will soon be married and possibly start a family in the next few years but I often question myself over my friends, I will ask myself if they like me or if they think I’m quiet and such because I just don’t always believe in myself and that my feelings can be a right drag afterwards if it’s sadness because I just want to cry or shout because it’s like I’ve gotten bellow a layer of myself and I feel exposed and frightened and I don’t like that feeling.
I guess when it comes to my Autism, I tend to over think and be paranoid about certain things and it can cost me sometimes because I become so certain that I am correct about something and while I am considering my feelings….I often forget about the feelings of others so I come to a conclusion that feelings are a very powerful thing and that despite, feeling happy, sad, angry or other to not lose any belief in myself, never be ashamed of who I am because people do like me but do I like me? I guess I need to find out.