It’s a weird feeling to be honest, I mean hearing that word Autism, I mean what is that? That term was not the thing that scared me as a teenager when I was diagnosed but more to the fact that I was told that I would not be able to amount to much because I had that and it was hearing that ‘opinion’ because that’s what it was, one person’s opinion that scared me when I was told.
I’ve known about my Autism for a long time now and over that time, I have grown to accept and get used to it, as in I can go through a day a lot easier than I could a decade ago! 10 years ago was an absolute nightmare because I took everything so seriously and would go overboard in all aspects, to a point that I became somewhat obsessed and depressed all at once, I was a mess…because of what was going on inside my head!
I was bullied as a child, not an excuse or a cry for attention, just an explanation of what happened on my journey, it wasn’t easy and it sucked but I made it through, I knew people who were well worse off than me, I was just the weird quiet kid in the class…could have been miles worse! At a time, I didn’t know about Autism but it was there, laying undiscovered and if it had been spotted earlier on in my life, nothing would have changed, I just would have been unhappier for a longer period of my life because I will always state that what changed things for me was a chance to make my own decisions in my life.
I had no say in anything in my life up to being 16 and I was more aware of that growing up! I’m not afraid to admit that it scared me, knowing that everyone was to afraid to let me think or do much for myself because they were afraid I would get bullied or fail and I soon realised that my life had little meaning, if I had no say in which direction it could go in, what was the point? Was I any better than a robot? Always having helpers in school, I just wanted to learn by myself, not have someone tell me how to come across something, I found it humiliating and that’s not pride, I just knew I COULD do it by myself but no one ever gave me the chance so I suffered in silence, waiting for that day to come when I could break free. How does someone feel positive and upbeat when they are made to feel worthless by people around them, even if it wasn’t done on purpose, I wasn’t happy at all and by the time I became 16 and went to college, I felt almost emotionally drained and scared about the next few years
Over time, Autism has had different meanings for me, it has always meant something different and now it has a new meaning for me. For me, Autism means nothing…nothing and why is that you ask? Well, I can’t actually see or feel Autism, I can’t see it if I ever look into a mirror so why does it need to be an issue to my daily life? Remember however, this is just MY perspective of it all, for you…it could be an entirely different scenario and that’s ok.
Autism in my eyes is all in my head but of course I know it’s a thing but its just how I choose to see it, I make it a thing that is all inside my head…that’s responsible for my over the top worries and concerns that happen in my life on a daily basis. I have overcome and fought so many times that it no longer means that much any more, I know I am capable and can look after myself and fend for myself, I’ve always known that and I’m not being cocky, I just knew because I am smart, I am cunning, very actually and I am someone who always listens to what anyone says and I always pay attention, DON’T THINK THAT I DON’T I caught on years ago that everyone assumed I was incapable of the simplest of tasks and was tired of feeling degraded and treat like I was 5 all the time so I stopped being the adorable little kid that everyone said I was and I emerged, as someone who wasn’t going to take all the crap and abuse anymore, I was going to fight back, whether you liked it or not! I honestly don’t care, I’ll look into your face and laugh at you, without a care in the world because for years, I was held back and not allowed to build skills in things I liked and instead had to make up for lost ground and by then, it was mostly too late! People’s perspective of what I was and had stopped me from doing so many things and I’ll never get over that! EVER!
Still to this day, people tell me how I work, how I think and I laugh my arse off at it because they are always wrong, I just humor them because they’ll never say I’m right, that I have changed or to the point, they won’t ever look at me without seeing the Autism first and to me, that’s a grave insult. People at college and university however never did and I grew because of that, they saw a person, not a victim or a helpless child and it was amazing so why is it so hard for others to do the same? Without over worrying that I’ll struggle or get in over my head
It was actually easy to still look incapable to them, the minute I was fully understanding of my Autism, I took over and said I was going to college and I did and everyone said it takes me ages to get over things but to be honest, most of the time it doesn’t, it just seems that way to you but it isn’t you won’t believe me and you’ll think I’m being cocky so I say this…go ahead of think that, I honestly don’t care anymore because you can’t tell me what to do anymore, I do now and it’s wonderful.
That is the frustration of someone who had hopes and dreams as a child, I wanted to do more GCSES in school like History and Drama but wasn’t allowed to because it would be to hard and I wouldn’t cope…apparently…I’d rather have tried at least, not be forced to only do 3 and have to resit them 2 years later at college and guess what happened at college? I got good marks….what a shocker! I was able to focus and work by myself and I did well! I went to University and got a 2:1 and no one wanted me to go and I went and I PASSED!
In short terms, I know what I can and can’t do, if I know I can’t do something then fine but it is so annoying to be told I can’t do something because I have Autism! The annoying thing about all of this was that no one actually knew what Autism was! I was diagnosed by a doctor so that must mean it’s bad? And I don’t care how Americans perceive Autism with shoving pills down throats or having demeaning charities calling it a disease! I have never had a tablet for it or thought it as a disease, just an obstacle to overcome and why was it an obstacle? Not because of me but because of other people!
Understand what Autism is, it helps other people who have it to have an easier life, to have fair chances to follow dreams and live life fairly! My Autism is only what others think of it, other than that…I often forget I even have Autism.