I have never read any of the books prior to seeing the two movies in this series nor do I plan to read them afterwards! I am not a fan of this series and am stunned that so many people actually are. Enjoy your story based off a Twilight Fan Fiction!

SPOILERS!!

This movie is just incredibly confusing if you’ve never read any of the books so I suggest that you read one before watching any of the movies or you’ll not understand half of the things that go on in this flick.

We start this film with our two main characters Anastasia and Christian in the middle of their hundredth argument over how they act as a couple as it’s not what you call an ‘ordinary relationship’. Full of contracts and stipulations, Christian is a complicated case indeed but after a quick meal, she takes him back….watch as he promises to change his ways, only to pretty much lie throughout the movie as he pretty much runs everything that she does the whole movie and although she complains, ultimately complies….I don’t care what you say, she doesn’t ultimately change the guy, it’s her that ultimately changes but it’s ok, BECAUSE SEX!

Ana tries to change Christian to be more ‘normal’ but they can keep the kinky sex, she just wants her knight on the white horse who won’t be dominating and control everything that she does…which he does throughout the movie but he does open up a bit..he lets her touch his chest…BIG MOMENT! We find out his mother was a junkie and died when he was young and this goes on to many bits in the movie where the two develop, fight, have sex and grow closer but they have people in their way who try to prevent this from happening and it begs the question that really needs answering in all of this.

Who’s the bad guy in all of this? You have three people who could be considered in this role, you have

  • Creepy Boss– Called Jack, he is the boss of Anastasia at her work place and it is apparent from the get go that he wants to sleep with her, even after learning that she has a boyfriend. The big moment with this guy is when he corners Anastasia in his office after home time, he tries to woo her before becoming forceful but it just ends with Anastasia kicking him in the lower region before running away. Christian, who happens to be friends with the CEO of her company has him fired! What, could she report him herself?? It has to be the guy with all the money and security guards?  And afterwards, acts a little sad that he got fired…even though HE TRIED TO RAPE HER! What is this movie implying? The next time we see him is at the end of the movie looking sinister with a photo of Christian’s family in his hands….implying he’ll be back for the final movie.
  • Creepy Ex- I thought this person was meant to be the main antagonist in this movie?? It appears so in the trailer but apart from standing behind Anastasia a few times before disappearing, trashing Anastasia’s car yet never explain how she got into the garage in the first place! she finally appears in her apartment with a gun but…this scene lasts about two minutes and amounts to pretty much nothing, no dramatic climax (no pun intended) and does little to nothing to move the plot along!He makes her bend onto her knees for some reason! Is that to show how influential he actually is to the opposite sex? Do all of his exes do that? In Men’s eyes, he would be a legend but in women’s eyes, I imagine he would be a scumbag that most would stay away from as I hope most women have more respect for themselves as just mere objects for this sex maniac! I don’t know about you but I’d feel quite pathetic if my partner did that to me, no respect whatsoever!
  • Creepy Teacher– The woman who taught Christian to have sex but has a massive issue with Anastasia being his latest ”catch” because she is different and less submissive, not always giving him what he wants. It is implied that Christian seeks her approval over any woman he is with??? She doesn’t add much really as Ana isn’t intimidated much by her….in all scenes involving her, she scowls slightly, tries to warn Ana off but fails…badly at this……forgettable character!

One thing that creeped me out was that Christian told Ana that all of his exes and her look like his dead mother…What?! Why is that a turn on? Is it? Is that why you like all the whips and plugs…is it punishment for your mother being a junkie? Oh and at the start of the film, it’s shown how he was burned….it was some guy with a cigarette but it was not implied why….would probably have to read the book for that one, maybe it’s his Father but not that I care enough to find out. If anything, Christians the bad guy and Ana should be the good guy who gets away from this possessive maniac but according to my wife, that doesn’t happen in the final movie (cough BABY cough) 

I guess if in the final movie, Christian does ultimately change and stops being a massive paranoid douche then it might be a good trilogy but the first two movies haven’t done a good job at hinting that this should happen, if anything it heavily implies that it’s ok to be a controlling sex obsessed maniac…as long as you have a good reason for it and your rich enough to get away with it.

 

One bit in the movie had my wife worried just before it happened so I thought it was going to be a big part of the movie to kick things along but…it wasn’t, it was literally one of the worst moments in film history and I’ve seen The Last Airbender in cinema!  Christian is in a helicopter that ultimately crashes and once this is told to the others, they watch the news and fear the worst…I start to think that finally, something to make the characters actually look like they care about one another but no….it’s announced suddenly that he’s found and before you know it…seconds later…he walks through the front door!

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I don’t care what anyone says, no one goes through a Helicopter crash like that and walk away with barely a scratch! A broken arm….needs to go to hospital….give me something!!! But no, he just walks into his home where his family and friends are deeply concerned and everything is just…ok! No explanation of how he survived, nothing! Why was this bit even in the movie if your going to half arse it! So Anastasia can give him a  keying with the word YES on it! Some many other ways that could have been but a piss poor story line that ultimately meant nothing.

The sex…what can I say about this, it’s the part that draws most people in….you know it’s true! The music choices are rather odd really! Did they ask around what people listen to when they have sex? It was, quick, short and it makes you think that this movie suggests that Christian is a premature ejaculator or something…nice and short and it’s more suggested that it’s the actions beforehand like undressing in a public place or having play toys at a party is more dangerous and daring but this movie doesn’t do any of this justice, it’s just cheesy and forced…not believable as the two of them just look uninterested a lot…well Anastasia is alright as it’s not all about sex with her, she get hungry sometimes as well…not about money either, although she does spent the money Christian gives her on a week away to Christian’s own place in Assam! So…they have sex to celebrate!

Going into this movie, I was dreading having to watch Anastasia once again as she ruined the first movie for me and to be fair, Christian wasn’t much better but he did improve in this one, as did Anastasia….slightly. Weirdly though, everyone else in the movie is fine, it’s only these two I have a problem with because we see them most and all it is that they do is

  • Sex
  • Argument
  • Make Up Sex
  • Argument
  • Split Up
  • Make Up Sex
  • Repeat

I just think the performance of Anastasia is weak and it has been in both movies, very uninspiring and it just makes the lack of chemistry between the two quite apparent. It starts with her being this shy girl who turns into someone who…has constant temper tantrums because she can’t decide if she can be with the control freak or not! Money or Independence? She has to continuously remind Christian to not go back to his old ‘Dominant’ ways or she’ll leave! If this guy didn’t have all that money, she’d have gone by now because he wouldn’t be able to do anything without his riches, like buy out her publishing offices or give her $24,000 for no reason! Sure he could still give her sex but with his dominant ways, would it work? The average man would be labelled a sex pest if he asked his partner to take off her panties in a restaurant or go to a party at his parents house with a sex toy inside her… and everyone would steer clear or end up on Jeremy Kyle, one or the other!

All this move implies is that women will be submissive and come running back, as long as you shower them with gifts, lure them in with sex and let them in by spilling your deepest darkest secrets. Seriously, the amount of times Anastasia runs away when she sees what Christian is really like got beyond boring after a while but it’s ok, she eventually gets to touch his hard abs that were covered in old burn marks so that makes his behaviour all ok???

Speaking of those burn marks, this woman has had sex with Christian multiple times…how did she not see them before now? You’d think you would spot something like that! And thank god those stupid contracts were barely mentioned in this movie…are contract negotiations a turn on?

Christian in real life would be behind bars! All this does is send out the message that women can’t do anything for themselves and it’s meant to be a turn on? Want to order your own food, don’t make me laugh! Want to make your own living, Ha! Here, have some money! Want to have a job…Ha! I just bought out your company and am your ultimate boss! HAVE SEX WITH ME BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS A DRUG JUNKIE AND MY DAD USED TO ABUSE ME! That isn’t an excuse for half the things this guy does, yet women are meant to look at this and go ‘This is so hot, I’m turned on right now???’

These films could have been so much more…could have meant more but alas, they do not, it’s a weird attempt at making sex a thing in the cinema but it doesn’t have much of it…few quick second clips and few daring parts like being tied up and having a blindfold on! Yes they have other things but it’s just so stupid and badly written and performed! the film is an 18 yet feels to afraid to be one! They really don’t work and ultimately, apart from making money from crowds of women who have to drag their partners along to see it, they won’t be remembered for much else, apart from making a Adam Sandler movie a sweet relief!

At least the movie didn’t end like it did the first one!

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One more and this nightmare is over, I’ll give it a D+ It’s not the worst movie I’ve seen but continents from being good, let alone the best but who cares if it makes money right? Sex shops rubbing hands in glee for all the whips and butt plugs their about to sell.

Maybe I’m looking into this too much but in a world where many people reflect what they see on the big screen and think it’s ok is worrying, what would this movie do to some people? I dread to think that…At the end of the day, it is just a movie, it’s not real but the message it sends could become real and that’s the problem I have. Movies are meant to be amazing and special to us all

Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Lion King, Titanic, Jurassic Park…classics, art works that are immortalized for inspiring generations of people to follow dreams and do something amazing…what will this film do? Nothing! Maybe that’s unfair, not every film is a golden nugget but although many people enjoy the film for what it stands for which is feeling turned on by watching a couple have sex scenes through a trilogy but ignoring that story line wise, the films are terrible!

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