”What did you say?”
”Chances are you’ll never do anything normal in your life”
”What do you mean?”
”Well you’ll be able to wipe and breath, that’s about it”
Those words are what drive me forward every single day. They were once really said to me as a child and to be told that by a GP was devastating, soul crushing and to be honest, I gave up for a while on trying to achieve my dreams in life, why bother when I’ve already had the door slammed in my face?
”If I try hard enough, I can live a decent life, I can be happy, right?”
”Why would you even bother…you can’t tie your shoe laces, make a sandwich or get on a bus by yourself…your a joke mate”
”I might be slower at learning things but I eventually learn how to do things…isn’t that what happens?”
”Your not normal mate, you talk to yourself and your just weird…give up already, no one likes you!”
Self doubts and harsh remarks by others growing up had a negative impact, I fell further into negative thoughts…I didn’t spend any time planning for the future…why bother when your told you don’t have any chance of a good one? Why bother when the door had already been slammed in my face?
”I don’t want to give up though, why should I just roll over and wait for death to arrive? I have things I want to accomplish before I go…why should I care what a few people think?”
”We have diagnosed you with Autism, you are being pulled from your normal classes in school and being forced to learn agriculture in this small group of misfits, deal with it!”
”But I want to be challenged, to struggle but overcome the obstacles overall, isn’t that what everyone else does? Why can’t you let me face these struggles like the others?”
”You have Autism, it would be unfair to force you into an environment where you’ll struggle…instead we’ll force you into a place you have no interest in and teach you have to drive tractors and muck out stalls”
I don’t understand why no one is listening to me, why are they telling me how to feel and think? Don’t I have a voice? I don’t care what I have, I have arms, legs, breath and bleed…I have the right to decide what exams I can do, not have that taken away from me!
”You’ll feel safe in a small group! Stop whining”
”But I know next to nothing about farming…can’t I just do History, Geography and learn French like the others?”
”And being bullied and picked on for being different, people with Autism can’t socialise”
Why are others trying to think for me? I want to try, even if I fail, I’ll learn and develop but for years I have been told what to do and think because I don’t know any better….I’m a prisoner in my own mind and body because I have no right to think or act…no one believes in me…I don’t even believe in me…I used to. I have to keep trying, I can’t give up…I’ll be an adult in a few years…I refuse to be like this as a man!
”I don’t care if I struggle, I won’t know unless I try at least…stop trying to think for me, I feel like I have no control over my life at all, this is hell!”
”Deal with it…you can’t stand on your own two feet!”
What do I want to do with my life? Why should I care when others around me have already given up on me? I don’t even have a fair chance to try…I’m being forced to have bad marks, college seems a lifetime away…why should I care anymore…why should I try when the door of opportunity has been slammed in my face?
”I can’t give up…I won’t give up!”
”You have 3 F’s and a D…good luck getting far with marks like that!”
I have no hope, no destination to arrive to, only darkness, loneliness and humiliation and I didn’t stand a chance at this thing we call life! Told that I can’t do anything without having a chance to try, I didn’t know everyone was an such an autistic expert! I know how I feel and I believe I can do many things if I’m given a chance…yet I’m never given a shot…maybe I should just go and end this suffering that is unfairly inflicted on me!
I…I don’t want to die feeling like I achieved nothing…like I was forced to end it all with no hope, dreams shattered…without even trying…why…why were so many people against me trying…I know I couldn’t do as much as the other boys and girls of my age but I wanted to try…I wanted to try, fail and try again until I got it right…so what if some people didn’t like me for what I had…if I sometimes spoke to myself or didn’t understand certain situations…is it right to just brush me aside and pretend I don’t exist? Why should I feel real in this life when others have slammed the door of reality in my face?
”I will not give up…I don’t care how long it takes…I will keep trying and I will one day get it right…I am an adult now and I am taking over my own destiny and I will never give up!”
All of these thoughts and conversations really happened to me during my childhood, I was made to feel like simple tasks and goals were far beyond me and these were even before I was diagnosed with Autism. My childhood hurt me in a bad way and gave me a negative look onto the human race. I felt unfairly treated and that everyone overreacted with what I had…even as a child I should have had more of a say if I wanted to try more exams and get better exams. I know I struggled at times but taking me out of classes did not help, it hindered me over the line and sunk me into a depressed state. Why keep on living when the door of life seems to have been slammed in my face?
I one day ended all of this by going to college and since I made that decision, I turned everything around and have never looked back but what if I had given up and accept my premature written fate by one doctor and others who took his words to heart? I probably would not be here…can someone who feels that they have no hope, no chance as a child keep going? Yes…yes they can because doctors can be wrong…parents can be wrong….teachers can be wrong…friends can be wrong…You can be wrong…if you don’t believe in yourself that is! Why should I close the door on life when I still have belief, when I know I can do and achieve dreams and goals by trying, by learning and by never giving up?
Life can be hard and it’s full of challenges but enough of wrapping me in bubble wrap and not letting me fly and experience it all, what kind of life is that to let a child give up at such an age? No matter what someone has, they should never be made to feel pointless or worthless…we all breathe, we all bleed…we all think and dream…never give up on that! I never will!