It’s not easy having no friends, I sometimes get lonely and scared that things will always be this way. What have I done to become so undesirable by other people? I thought having Autism would not hinder me, would not make my life that much harder, to not let the self doubting thoughts dominate me, control me and refuse to let me have any say on how to really feel, how wrong I feel at times.
I thought of trying to go against the current of the tide and make some friends but felt to nervous to walk up to anyone and start a conversation, not my strong point sadly, it’s just a daunting task that scares me to no end so I decided to find a massive crowd of people and I was going to walk through them, surely someone will start a conversation with me, they have to right?
I just wanted to talk, to feel human…I had no idea that I would feel more like a ghost than a human being. I felt robbed of my dignity and my pride, just by walking from A to B, it’s funny how something so simple can be incredibly difficult. Not one person looked towards me, saw me or cared, how can you be ignored with so many people around you? It felt surreal, not possible but it is…a hurtful fact of life, it doesn’t matter how big the crowd is…no one can speak to someone they don’t know is there but I was too afraid to say anything, I just kept walking, alone.
I feel invisible in this world, like I’m don’t belong here. It just feels strange how you can walk through a crowd of hundreds of people and no one notices you, no one talks to you or acknowledges you, you wonder how that’s even possible but it is, I become a ghost in this situation but it feels unfair that I always have to start the conversation, how would anyone speak if they were waiting for someone to talk to them first?It makes no sense .
I do sometimes hate feeling like I can’t talk to anyone, it just feels like a cruel joke sometimes, to be made to feel this way and I can’t even see the thing that causes it, nor do anything about it other than try, try and try again. Sometimes, it’s nice to be spoken to but you have to start that yourself sometimes, make yourself be heard and not stand in the shadows, waiting to be pulled out.