‘It’s too late..I must struggle wondering…what could have been?’ 

This is how I truly feel, how I think and ponder over what could have been, given I was just allowed to take chances and learn like everyone else when I was a child. Am I bitter about how my childhood went, only slightly because I didn’t know what was going on, no one did but when we discovered the truth, it prevented my growth and I felt like life paused for a few years for me and when it resumed, it was too late…I was miles behind the others…I felt trapped and useless…like I was always told I was!

‘You have Autism!’ 

13 years of tests, for that short sentence…then to be forgotten about by people I trusted?! Why was it before I was diagnosed that people treated me with more respect and kindness but afterwards, it was like I was a munificence to be swept aside, to be forgotten about because simple things were too much of a challenge for me…being in a big class in school was out of the question and that really hurt me…I didn’t care about whether they all liked me or not, I want to study and do my best….I wanted a chance but it was taken away from me…for no reason.

I am left often pondering my own existence on this Earth sometimes, why am I here? To suffer and get by on scraps while others seem to scrape through without a breeze or a care in the world! I would have love to have been a lawyer, a police officer or a teacher but I never had the chance to learn the skills or the passion required for either role. Horses are my favourite animal but I never had the time to learn how to ride them, how to look after one…maybe I could have been a show jumper or something like that…that could have been something but no one ever believed, I forgot about that dream because I felt like I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t tell anyone one that, they’d have just laughed!

I wanted to have the chance to think about my future, what I was going to do but I wasn’t given that chance like most boys and girls! Everyone was far more concerned with finding out what I had deep inside, what was making me tick and act the way I did but I just wanted to be left alone, to live a normal childhood, why don’t I have that right? Why must I be prodded and do social experiments because I not deemed to be ‘normal’ by others…I don’t want to be told how to interact with other people, I go at my own pace and I like it that way, I don’t want to watch my mother crying because I don’t have any friends at that time, I do but barely interact with them because I didn’t always feel confident at that part of my life, I was always scared because the adults around me made me feel insignificant…useless

You see, I was given a certain label a long time ago, one that informs others of what I have, what makes me tick and what can make life a living hell on a daily basis. Why did I always hear the comment:

‘Don’t bother…you won’t get far’ 

Why not? I don’t understand why so many people have a problem or a concern with my dreams in the life…aren’t I allowed to go the distance and work hard in a position that I’ve earned, become an author who has his books published or something that will make people see that he has a talent, that he did something and he did it well…not that he was made to feel like having a goal or a dream was pointless.

Why was it fair to make me feel like nothing was achievable, that I couldn’t go for a goal or an obstacle without struggle, don’t we all struggle to earn that just reward someday? No one wanted me to mess up and fail but why not? Why can’t I learn from mistakes and grow from them to become better? One lesson I have taken from this is that I will never stop my children from at least trying to obtain their dreams and goals…I will inspire and encourage them to try, to never give up…because I never got a chance, I would have at least loved a chance! I mean maybe it’s not too late…I’m only 26 and I have reversed much of the damage caused to be in my youth by

  • Getting a 2:1 Degree
  • Getting good friends
  • Moving out of Parents House
  • Getting Married

None of this would have been likely if I didn’t say ‘screw it’ I’m in charge now! I honestly believe that if I had crumbled and believed what those idiots thought about me, I would probably be very depressed and I just wouldn’t care about anything, I would shove people away from me because I would have no hope to strive for, nothing to dream about…I would be what they always thought I was going to be…useless

It’s always a fight to survive, to try and one day…accomplish a dream, to feel that I did something with this life of mine…I want to one day look at myself and feel that I did it…I didn’t bow down and that I did things my way…that it shouldn’t always matter if people don’t always believe in you…you should be given a chance at least, like everyone else! To not be made to feel useless.


  1. I’m sorry people questioned your abilities when you were younger–but you’ve already demonstrated how wrong they were. It’s not too late to learn about horses, become a lawyer, whatever. Go for it!

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