‘It’s too late..I must struggle wondering…what could have been?’ 

This is how I truly feel, how I think and ponder over what could have been, given I was just allowed to take chances and learn like everyone else when I was a child. Am I bitter about how my childhood went, only slightly because I didn’t know what was going on, no one did but when we discovered the truth, it prevented my growth and I felt like life paused for a few years for me and when it resumed, it was too late…I was miles behind the others…I felt trapped and useless…like I was always told I was!

‘You have Autism!’ 

13 years of tests, for that short sentence…then to be forgotten about by people I trusted?! Why was it before I was diagnosed that people treated me with more respect and kindness but afterwards, it was like I was a munificence to be swept aside, to be forgotten about because simple things were too much of a challenge for me…being in a big class in school was out of the question and that really hurt me…I didn’t care about whether they all liked me or not, I want to study and do my best….I wanted a chance but it was taken away from me…for no reason.

I am left often pondering my own existence on this Earth sometimes, why am I here? To suffer and get by on scraps while others seem to scrape through without a breeze or a care in the world! I would have love to have been a lawyer, a police officer or a teacher but I never had the chance to learn the skills or the passion required for either role. Horses are my favourite animal but I never had the time to learn how to ride them, how to look after one…maybe I could have been a show jumper or something like that…that could have been something but no one ever believed, I forgot about that dream because I felt like I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t tell anyone one that, they’d have just laughed!

I wanted to have the chance to think about my future, what I was going to do but I wasn’t given that chance like most boys and girls! Everyone was far more concerned with finding out what I had deep inside, what was making me tick and act the way I did but I just wanted to be left alone, to live a normal childhood, why don’t I have that right? Why must I be prodded and do social experiments because I not deemed to be ‘normal’ by others…I don’t want to be told how to interact with other people, I go at my own pace and I like it that way, I don’t want to watch my mother crying because I don’t have any friends at that time, I do but barely interact with them because I didn’t always feel confident at that part of my life, I was always scared because the adults around me made me feel insignificant…useless

You see, I was given a certain label a long time ago, one that informs others of what I have, what makes me tick and what can make life a living hell on a daily basis. Why did I always hear the comment:

‘Don’t bother…you won’t get far’ 

Why not? I don’t understand why so many people have a problem or a concern with my dreams in the life…aren’t I allowed to go the distance and work hard in a position that I’ve earned, become an author who has his books published or something that will make people see that he has a talent, that he did something and he did it well…not that he was made to feel like having a goal or a dream was pointless.

Why was it fair to make me feel like nothing was achievable, that I couldn’t go for a goal or an obstacle without struggle, don’t we all struggle to earn that just reward someday? No one wanted me to mess up and fail but why not? Why can’t I learn from mistakes and grow from them to become better? One lesson I have taken from this is that I will never stop my children from at least trying to obtain their dreams and goals…I will inspire and encourage them to try, to never give up…because I never got a chance, I would have at least loved a chance! I mean maybe it’s not too late…I’m only 26 and I have reversed much of the damage caused to be in my youth by

  • Getting a 2:1 Degree
  • Getting good friends
  • Moving out of Parents House
  • Getting Married

None of this would have been likely if I didn’t say ‘screw it’ I’m in charge now! I honestly believe that if I had crumbled and believed what those idiots thought about me, I would probably be very depressed and I just wouldn’t care about anything, I would shove people away from me because I would have no hope to strive for, nothing to dream about…I would be what they always thought I was going to be…useless

It’s always a fight to survive, to try and one day…accomplish a dream, to feel that I did something with this life of mine…I want to one day look at myself and feel that I did it…I didn’t bow down and that I did things my way…that it shouldn’t always matter if people don’t always believe in you…you should be given a chance at least, like everyone else! To not be made to feel useless.

2 Comments

  1. I’m sorry people questioned your abilities when you were younger–but you’ve already demonstrated how wrong they were. It’s not too late to learn about horses, become a lawyer, whatever. Go for it!

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