I haven’t had the heart to write for the last month or so…I’ve been through a lot and to find the passion to return to my keyboard and share my thoughts with the world was just about impossible. Here is where I will try my best to express my feelings on the matter and tell the story of what happened between me and my wife between the months of May and July 2017.

For a while now, myself and my wife have been talking about trying to start a family together. We have been married for almost a year now and we have been together for nearly 7 and we have done everything together, including moving in with one another, travelling the world and crossing off goals on our to do lists and have come to a conclusion that now is the right time to try and make a child together.

Our first month or so brought up nothing, every test we did came up negative but Emma as she is reads up online about this kind of stuff, often telling me that some people take many months before they get a positive, it kept her smiling so I didn’t object and we carried on trying through June until one day, her monthly due date passed by and nothing happened, a glimmer of hope occurred as we waited another week yet still nothing so after one more test, we were delighted to have a positive result, it was faint but we took it as a success.

It was probably here where we began to get a little carried away I guess, as Emma rang for a doctor and explained what had happened, we booked an appointment with a midwife in August, everything was happening so fast for it all to truly sink in. My wife began telling her family immediately, leaving me little choice but to do the same and along with close friends, we kept it at that, we were happy and hopeful that the baby would be the start of a brand new adventure in our lives, parenthood.

However, a few days after this wonderful discovery, we found something else…we saw blood. Emma had slightly bled and we weren’t sure what this meant so kept an eye on the matter as it came and went over various days. The blood wasn’t deep red or heavy, it was mostly light and brown red but Emma rang a doctor was told us to do a couple of more pregnancy tests the next week and tell them the results, we began to become fearful.

During this time, I felt like I was beginning to doubt the idea of becoming a parent, perhaps fear was the reason, could we afford a child? Were we really ready for one? What if we had some things we still wanted to do yet? Was it too soon? So many questions running through my head, it slightly depressed me and many thought I was down in the dumps and they commented on it, I even lost my temper a good few times, I didn’t want to see friends or anything, I just wanted to be left alone.

My Autism made me doubtful because I was scared my children might also have it…would I be able to help them? Make it all ok for them if they knew someone who had it? I didn’t want to overthink it but the thought couldn’t escape my mind at all. As far as I was aware, no one else in my family has Autism so I guess that made me a bit hopeful, not that it would be a bad thing but I remember bad experiences because of my Autism, things I wouldn’t want my children to go through.

Yet, one evening during a run I had a good long think and came to the conclusion that I’ll always worry about these things but who wouldn’t…unless your rich of course but the majority of people wanting to be parents will have doubts but they keep going so why shouldn’t I? I began to feel better and before long, I thought I could be a great Dad if I gave it my all, it could even make me a better person through experience and love.

The two tests we were asked to do were done at the crack of dawn each time came back…negative but Emma was still convinced that she might be pregnant as she had some symptoms that couldn’t be explained so a blood test was arranged. Despite being hopeful, my heart couldn’t help but feel that the inevitable had happened, a miscarriage but we had to wait and get a confirmation and Emma felt that everyone around her felt the same, only she felt optimistic that somehow, the child was still there, in her belly.

Four days passed before we got a result and I was out on a 7 mile run in the countryside as this happened and to be honest, I was half expecting it to happen so I chose a long run so I didn’t see the outburst, I don’t think I could have been strong and deep down, I know my wife would have wanted some time alone before letting it all out but I could have been wrong, I didn’t know but the sooner we got an answer, the better for us both…the last few weeks had driven us insane as we had gone through every emotion possible as we felt in the unknown…what was happening to us, was the child still here or had it gone?

I came into the house eventually at 2:10 pm Monday the 24th of July and as I closed the door behind me, I saw her stood in the hallway, she was wiping her eyes with her sleeve from her dressing gown…tears in her eyes, she didn’t have to say anything to me, I knew what had happened. My honest thoughts here are that I am not very good at reading facial expressions or always being able to tell another’s feelings very easily but even I was able to feel the vibe in the household was very low and before I knew it, I began to shed some tears…I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried, my personal battle to admit that I wanted to be a parent over the last fortnight had ended with me wanting to become a father more than ever, yet the chance was gone for now…the invisible child we mad with love was no more, the one creation that had made us so emotional had left and we felt worse for wear in it’s absence, we didn’t know what to do now.

Our first attempt had failed, we were heartbroken and in tears as we held each other in a crumble on the living room carpet and many will say that this is an over reaction as it was only our first try and we have all the time in the world but we had gotten so excited about the prospect that we could both soon be parents, we felt like our baby was all ready here, only to be snatched away before it’s time.

It has taken a few days to get over it but we feel that we are nearly ready to try once more and yes, we are scared that the same can happen again, we don’t know but we can’t be afraid to give up on our dream, to become loving parents and give a life a decent chance in this world, by always being there for them, no matter what they choose to do. Whether they be straight or gay, religious or not…whatever they want to pursue, we will be a family, that is what we want.

I guess I just needed to write this down to truly be accepting and able to move on from this experience and use it to make myself strong once more, I’ll never be ashamed that this brought me to my knees emotionally and made me see that I want to be a Father. Thank you if you read to the end of this.

2 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you went through this. I too lost my first child (at about 20 weeks) to a miscarriage. It is a very sad thing for anyone. I do feel for you. I’m also autistic but I do now have a happy strong bearded 16 year old son who came along a year and a half after the miscarriage. I also found I was able to be a good parent despite the autism. I hope things work out for you and I wish you both the very best.

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