Warning- Swearing is in this post, it’s not meant to be family friendly whatsoever, don’t say that you weren’t warned if your sensitive
Autism….the thing that many others who don’t have it tell me that it will be a hindrance that will prevent me from living a ‘normal’ life because my perception and way of looking at the world is different to everyone else’s, I struggle to socialise and that I will never be able to do more than ‘walk, talk and wipe my bottom!’ Well let me tell you something….for a little while after I found out, people were right!
Although I say that today in 2017, Autism does not hinder my life whatsoever and I’m proud that I have been able to use life experience and learn from mistakes of my past to better myself and make me be able to live what many consider a ‘normal’ life but as I’ve said before, I need to look back at how I was a little over 10 years ago and see how far I have truly come, so I can truly understand the decision I made and the one that I didn’t take
Back then, my life was VERY different and not recognizable to what I am like today, I would even say that myself and my past self are two completely different people now. I’ve known about my Autism for quite some time now, just a little over a decade and I have to look at how much I have changed as a person ever since I was told because I need to see what kind of man I have become, compared to who I was back then.
Just to say that I am not bitter about anything that happened in my past or blame anyone for it but wish that people were more understanding and bothered about how to handle the situation like taking me out of certain classes which I was pretty much forced to do but my parents were always supportive and did the best they could for me so I am always grateful for that because without them, I probably wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have.
Now going back is a little bit of a pain for me because it wasn’t happy times, in any means whatsoever…I wasn’t who I am today so understand that my actions were of another person and that’s not shunning it off by saying it was someone else who did or said something that might be deemed strange but I consider this chapter of my life to be like an out of body experience…one where I wouldn’t act like I normally would because before any of this happened, I was reasonably happy…I had friends and was always cheerful so it’s hard to imagine how a diagnosis would suddenly change all of that but it did and a part of me is ashamed that I reacted the way I did.
It was either 2003 or 2004, I’ll be honest…I can’t really remember and the reason for that is simply that in the first few years after I was diagnosed, I tried my best to forget that it ever happened and yeah, it was a bit stupid to refuse the honest truth but I didn’t want to accept that I was Autistic, I despised the thought to be frank. My mind sort of knew that I had something all this time, the constant over thinking and being told I worry far too much for someone my age, how people would call me weird for talking to myself (I didn’t think much of it) and never understanding that my actions have consequences etc I did a lot of stupid s*** that made people mock me in school and I had no idea about it all and played into people’s hands constantly.
Years later, I realised what I was doing was wrong and it was only when I met the right kind of people that helped me to do that which makes my point of what kind of people you have around you viable…the right people who understand and don’t put you down based on what you have helps a great deal! I’ll get to this later on though as it’s quite a ways from where we are right now.
For quite some time as well, I had been tested for something but I had no idea what doctors were looking for, I’ll admit that most of it I have forgotten about, only little parts I can remember if I really try to think about it but it annoyed me somewhat that I tried to block it all out years ago! I did get away from school from time to time, perhaps…I didn’t like my schools in my hometown very much, they never did that much for me! Anyway, I would finally be called into a meeting where I was told quite bluntly, ‘you have Aspergers Syndrome’ something along those lines and I swear that at this moment in time, I felt something change inside of me, not like a transformation of character so to say but my patience had melted away all of a sudden, I was fed up of waiting for everyone else around me to ‘sort out my life’ when I knew I was perfectly capable of doing it myself but not many felt the same way and it’s hard to make much of what you can do when your still young and not mature enough to show it just yet but my time would come.
It’s frustrating because you aren’t so sure what you have yourself, only that others seemed to make a big deal out of it, I mean I didn’t have a contagious disease or anything so why was something like Aspergers so hard for someone to accept and perhaps understand? You feel helpless and all of that confidence just leaves you, what do you do about the future when others make it seem so bleak? What would anyone else do in this situation, would they give up…accept what everyone else was saying or keep fighting with the belief that one day…they could turn it around?
Anger was flowing through my mind and it wasn’t going to be settled by some people telling me that everything was going to be ok when I f****** knew that it wasn’t going to be….I was going to be taken out of my normal classes in school and placed into a much smaller one with other students who were considered ‘nuisances’ which was refreshing to say the least, shows what my school thought of me…I mean how do you prepare for GCSES when your mucking out a stable or learning how to drive a tractor? No disrespect intended to anyone but I was not allowed to learn History, Geography, Drama, Religious Studies etc so I could learn how to shear a sheep? I had no interest in becoming a farmer but everyone thought it was best and I swear my anger boiled over, it just seemed very unfair from where I was standing and all because of something I had that wasn’t even f****** visible to the public.
I was f****** depressed as s*** by all of this, I was basically told that something was wrong with me in a sense and I would have all the help I could get to ‘cope’ in school and what not and as for after I finished school…no hopes of going to college or university, that felt hopeless at this point because it was deemed to be dangerous or a risk for someone like me to go if school was too much of a task for me… I’ll admit in some ways that I did struggle with many things as a child, my skills weren’t the best…I was once assessed whether I could make a sandwich once…can’t really remember when but I had belief that if I kept trying, I would get there one day! Someone tell me please how your supposed to remain positive when you virtually have no say in what happens with it? I am struggling to find anything that kept me going as I had little to no friends, everyone thought I was weird and I was having my time wasted with all of this when I could have been thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. Needless to say everyone but Autism so far was very unwelcome in my life and it could bugger off for all I cared, If I was offered a chance to get rid of it back then, I would have bitten off your hand to have it done, I was desperate because of how I was made to feel just for having it by others in my life.
All in all, I had a long way to go before I could reach the place I finally settled in and felt at peace. So much that I needed to understand and learn and it wasn’t easy, not one bit was a walk in the park but if I hadn’t gone through it, I might have ended up a very different person indeed.
I’ll continue next time in part 2 and I hope you enjoyed reading the first part.