Life is a strange thing indeed! It can involve so many up and down moments for us all and each one can be so unique and be a little different, even if something similar has happened prior but for me, a recent event or I should say a couple of similar events have occurred in my life over the summer that have somewhat brought me down, to a point I felt I would never return to.
I always find something that takes me away from the keyboard so far this summer 2017. It’s hard enough when you lose 1 family member but 2 in the space of a week? August 2017 was a horrible month for me and my 1st Wedding Anniversary was in that month! That was a diamond in the rough compared to the other 30 days! The two passing’s just make that month one of the worst I have ever had…the last time I felt so down was when I was diagnosed with Autism!
I’ve been down before with life and sometimes, I just couldn’t be bothered to write any blogs or anything for a while if it upsets me to a certain point that I can’t concentrate enough anymore…not so much in fact…I had a few days off work because of this one, I couldn’t cope with anything! Granted that they both made it to good ages, 86 and 93…it still hurts that one minute, they are here…the next they are gone! Someone you’ll never speak to or see ever again…only have pictures and memories to remember them by.
I wasn’t there when my grandfather died but I was in town when I was told that my grandmother had passed away in her sleep and I just knew that I had to go around…I have no idea why I would want to…I mean it’s not an easy thing to do but I felt bad that I had never been able to properly say ‘goodbye’ to someone close to me…I didn’t want to let this slip by…it’s a time I’ll never be able to forget but to be honest…I don’t think I want to forget it…no one made me go and see her, I chose to do it because of everything she has ever done for me, I want to at least thank her and say a proper farewell.
I have struggled to speak my mind to anyone over this or feel like I can ask about how others are dealing with this as well…I feel so helpless and useless as a grandson because I feel blank…I can’t do anything productive or helpful as of right now and maybe a bit of time to come to terms is needed.
I didn’t always cry either time…I felt sadness but I’m not so sure I was able to express it completely, like I would have preferred to. I have always found it hard to cry when something upsetting happens but this time…I cried more on the day that my grandparents died than the actual funerals or the last goodbyes! It can be mentally draining to come to terms with death, I sometimes still don’t understand it…so many questions regarding what happens to a person once they are no more…and with me, if I don’t know something, it drives me nuts so death is a tough one because I have to convince myself that they have gone to a better place…even though I’ll always think what if scenarios…because I can’t help myself.
It’s been a hard time recently because one death is tough enough to get over but 2! I’ve never had to deal with this sort of thing before…sure I’ve had death in the family before but not so much at once! I just feel so much pain right now…something about death just gets to me…changes me and I can’t stand it at all…I just only hope that with time, my wounds become healed and I can move on with life once more.
Rest In Peace Edna and James