To be social, that’s the one thing that is deemed the most ‘normal’ out of anything else I have ever seen or heard whilst being alive, you have to interact with others and make friends or you just not normal, it’s that simple. To follow the map of life set out by others that achieve A and B by this age etc If you aren’t married by a certain age or have children, some of society seem to look down upon you and ask ‘what’s wrong with you?’ All of these lifetime goals involve one important ingredient….communication

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First of all, a conversation requires at least two people to have one! Sounds easy right but not so much when one of those people happens to struggle to read facial expressions, emotions or meanings behind words and some many times throughout my life, this misunderstanding of having conversations and just not being able to follow has cost me big time! In my childhood, it cost me my first set of friends…I didn’t understand their conversations and it got me mad and they slowly began thinking I was strange, eventually wanting nothing to do with me. This change in my life was the long road to understanding of the art of having a conversation and it was one that in a way, still goes on to this day.

To be called cold by someone, unfeeling and a even like a robot by people I have known and strangers as well but what hurts the most is that I have given them the typical stereotypes behind Autism, to give them that incorrect message and send them away feeling negative towards me, the pain I feel when I cry back home, knowing that yet another person in this world is against me, that mountain I have to climb to appear ‘normal’ just keeps on getting taller! I don’t mean to appear anti- social in front of everyone, I go out of my front door everyday with the best intentions to make someone smile, to be the best person I can be and for once…not come home feeling sad and sometimes, I can come home feeling bright and not down about the world for a change but a lot of the time, I’m down and out, knowing that yet another person can be added to the list of ones that thing I hate people because I don’t talk that much or if at all, knowing that my nerves have gotten the better of me once again!

When I think about it, I don’t always ask how other people are when I see them, I often forget my manners because I’m just so thrilled that someone wants to talk to me that it all goes out of the window…only to quickly return once the conversation is cut short, mainly because it’s one sided, I feel deflated and upset because I know it’s my fault. The problem is though, I feel like I have to try twice as hard to even have a long talk with someone, even close friends can be tricky sometimes because I can just sit and listen, getting lost in the conversation that I forget to talk.

I guess I’m just entirely used to showing how I really feel on the inside to the outside or maybe I’m afraid to do so. I always try to be upbeat and positive before a day starts but when your actually doing something with someone else, all of it can disappear and the nerves return, I miss my line and my opportunity to make a new friend, to feel just that little less weird in this world but I always say ‘Tomorrow will be my day!’ 

When did making a friend become so difficult? We are all different and experience life in different ways but I know that many people don’t struggle to talk with others, I mean when I was at University, I saw people walk up to strangers and become friends in under a minute! When it can take me months and another a minute, you can’t help but be a little jealous. It’s like a gift given to some and not to others, I guess then that I am one of those unlucky people that lacks the ability to have a talk with another human being without losing control of my emotions. If I can, it isn’t for long and only when I feel really confident so I try to make the most out of it but I just wish that I could do it for longer, to not have to lose control and make friends easily with a smile and a joke maybe…that would be nice, no more anxiety and beating myself up over it anymore, I can dream right?

I don’t mean to sound negative or attention seeking with this post but it’s unavoidable because it’s a story told by so many people in this world, we wish to be able to talk and have someone listen, to have a laugh and a good time with someone else who wants to talk to you, not feel sorry or negative about you. I have my ways of being social and they were terrible in my childhood but seem to have gained ground recently but I continue to keep trying everyday, in hope that I can hold a conversation with someone and not lose any momentum because I freeze up or don’t ask about them but I know that most people are far better at it then I am and I’m not mad about it, just wish that I can learn the secret…be more like others sometimes…but who am I kidding, I’m me and that’s all I have to use, I just have to keep trying.

2 Comments

  1. Hello I just read your blog. I have autism too. I have difficulty understanding social interactions as well. I am 36 year’s old and I still feel uncomfortable in certain situations. I have learned though it’s not my fault I am different. We Autistic people live in a different world than the so called normies. I was taught to celebrate my differences be proud to be who I am. I don’t blame myself anymore for everyone else’s egnorance instead I share with others of who I am. I grew up in a broken home and I use to think just like you do now. It took me 26 year’s to find myself and to learn how to except everyone else’s egnorance. No one can change an autistic person and that’s not our fault. It’s everyone else’s fault for thinking they should try just because they think we should be just like them. Plus how is that fair if we can’t be like them?

    You don’t have to be normal to be like everyone else. Everyone has their own way of living and communicating. Normal is nothing but a common angle. How can anyone be that? We are all unique and beautiful. I hope you learn how beautiful you are and awesome. My mom taught me that life isn’t about me it’s about everything else around me. I learned how to pick it up and explore it. Sometimes things come easy other times I just don’t get it. I am okay with that.

    Don’t live for others approval, live for the adventure of learning new things. Ask questions and research. Watch people from a distance and make notes of how they move and speak. I did and I used that to teach myself how to speak for myself. I will never be like everyone else though. I am not supposed to be anyone but myself.

    I hope this helps you. Also thank you for liking my poem. Try to remember that you are you you don’t have to be like anyone else but you because it’s impossible to be anyone but you.

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