I feel safe within my walls, yet my life calls for me to come out from them at times, a scary thought for me sometimes because you have so many people in the world that I do not know at all, nor do I think I’ll get to know them either so why would I want to put myself through so many ordeals of not being able to speak to new people, to bustle through crowds and god knows what in the town that I live in! Sometimes it’s busy and at times, it’s dead but when your a nervous wreck around others all the time, your anxiety builds up and you want to get away as fast as possible!
I’d love to stay indoors all day if I could, people scare me with their questions, wanting me to be social and forcing me out of my comfort zone time and time again! Yet I know that I can’t, many things force a person away from home during the day and I have had many reasons over the year to leave home, sometimes even move away for a while to a new area and settling into a new place can take months for me sometimes! I try to not be envious of others but when everyone around you appears to be settling in and getting on with things a lot faster than you are, it comes to mind just how bad you appear to be at this and you get mad about because you try but don’t you often feel like you need to put in twice the effort? Just imagine the kind of person you’d be if you put in half the effort, the same as the others….what could you accomplish?
It all comes down to having to be social around other people because that’s what human beings are supposed to do, right? More than 7 billion people on the planet, someone has to like you right? In my life, I have had moments where I’ve gained a group of friends in one go and another where I’ve lost a group of friends in one swoop, where I’ve been able to talk to strangers and have a laugh but others times where I’ve made a mess of things and made people not like me in this world, some people can get annoyed by me but most like me, yet it’s the ones that don’t that can make you feel down, question what it is that you do so wrong to get such feelings aimed towards you.
I say stupid stuff all the time, moments where my mouth gets me into trouble that I just can’t handle and I always question myself…why do I say half the stuff that I say? I can recall being threatened by a few people in my lifetime because I’ve said something stupid or offensive towards someone and not realised it until It’s too late and it does my head in whenever it happens because I get upset with myself after assuming that I had gotten past this long ago, only to learn that I still yet have a long way to go! This is one reason why I don’t enjoy having to leave the comfort of my home to go out into the unknown…who knows what can happen out there, who you can bump into or what experience you will take with you once the day is done…a positive or a negative one? Needless to say, I will always try to watch my mouth in future but I often wonder, ”Can I really control it?”
It’s the same online as well, it can be no different to being outside because you can still say the wrong thing to someone in a chat for example and end up looking stupid for it! You might be at home but your still talking to another human being somewhere in the world…although it’s becoming more common and will one day be more of an option than speaking to someone outside because in the future, chances are we will all be spending more than 80% of our time talking to others on our phones and computers than face to face, if it isn’t already?! Times will always change and ways of social interaction will also do the same, meaning that ways of doing so could get easier or even trickier, who knows but even though I don’t always enjoy it…part of me will miss speaking to another person face to face.
When you can walk through a crowd of people and end up being the loneliest person within it’s borders…you convince yourself that your anti social because no one came up to you but did we go up to anyone either? All I know is that through this roller coaster that we call life, I will always try my best to improve and meet someone new, to get past the anxiety that makes me want to run back home most days, yet every time that I don’t, I feel myself getting that bit more braver, so much that I want to go outside, I want to see the world that I live in, not hide away from it!