Autism, that little invisible thing that none of us can see, yet we are told is there…inside of us and we all go about our lives, trying to cope…some better than others but what is that inner core that we all have, that invisible item we carry around that apparently makes being social a tricky subject that we struggle with yet crave so much. To have put twice the amount of effort into something, compared to someone without Autism can be endearing and stressful, especially if it goes unnoticed, the number of times I have had others not give a monkeys if I’ve had to go the long way round to a success and they made it look easy irritates me, especially when I am looked down upon for having something ”wrong” with me….makes me wonder why I had to be given Autism sometimes, all it does is cause me problems that I could really go without.
I like to make myself look and act like everyone else, sure but sometimes I just get to that point where I want to break down into tears and stop everything…like I can’t continue on for a while, I cease to act upon everything other than just sitting there and feeling sorry for myself but whenever this happens, I often ask myself…how did I get to this stage and why is it that I am randomly feeling like life just isn’t worth it?
Last night, I had a huge argument with my partner about things and during that, I realised that I can really get jealous and envy others around me because I want more from the life that I had…I didn’t scratch and claw my way through years of bullying and being against the odds and graduate from University to just stop and not do anything else for the rest of my life! Yet right now, that’s what I feel that I am doing! I felt sick inside that something so trivial as a mispronunciation had got me so wound up and angry! Thinking back to my past, the number of times I’ve wanted to rip the Autism out of me was high…I had accepted it in recent years that it wasn’t such a major factor in things as it once was but it has a tendency every now and then to sneak up on me and remind me that it will always be there and it scares me as I get older that it might take over once more!
Having a meltdown can make things really hard for someone with Autism and last night was no exception for me, I felt really down and out about life, I didn’t see the point and felt like this was it for me, I wouldn’t go on to accomplish anything else noteworthy ever again and I’d slowly grow more depressed and hate myself once again, like I did in my childhood.
Over the years, I have had many ups and downs when it’s come to my Autism, I can accept the downs along with the ups but when I have a moment where I feel down and out, it becomes far to easy for myself to compare my life to others that I know and quite often, I’m finding myself feeling jealous and it makes me feel even worse, triggering what I think are meltdowns and it has become quite hard at the moment to deal with them.
I am a 27-year-old male yet sometimes feel treated like a 10-year-old by others! Who is married and I have a part-time job but I can’t drive as of yet and I don’t have any children, not that I need to rush on either of these things but when your friends always say you need to learn to drive, I begin to feel bad if I don’t go and do it…even though I know why I haven’t learnt to drive…I don’t need to as of yet because I don’t travel too far from my hometown often enough and I can walk to places here easily…maybe for shopping, I could use a car but apart from that, I really wouldn’t need a car and the insurance and petrol money would be needlessly bleeding us dry so I’ll wait a little longer before learning to drive!
For someone with a degree, an overall achievement award and a sense of achievement and hope for the future, I sure do feel useless today, I mean I want to write a novel yet some days I can’t be bothered to do any at all, I feel like I lack the will to think of anything so I just don’t bother and sometimes, can go a week or two without writing anything, making myself feel worse for it all!
When I feel like I’m being told what to do and what not to do in life, it begins to bring me down and I feel somewhat depressed by everything for a while…I feel like a loser and that I’ll never amount to anything in my life…I’ll just work at a supermarket for all my days and be a father…not much to look up to! All my life, I have been told how to do things and what I am not capable of doing but after 27 years of it, you begin to get sick of it! I have achieved many things on my own and I know what I can do but with my Autism, the confidence comes and goes, not because of what I can and can’t do but by how others perceive what it is that I have.
To sum up, I’ll always have Autism, I know that and if left to my devices, things would be fine but when you interact with others and see how they live life and such, you can’t help but let it bring you down because that’s what you want! To live your life without others questioning everything you do and I know that this happens to people without a disability, I’m not silly enough to assume that people without a mental health issue have a problem free life or anything but it just feels more expected for me to screw up over someone who doesn’t have Autism or is Bi-Polar etc That label will always be with me and it depends on how others look and judge upon it on how I will get through life, I try my best but I’m a person who needs that drive and something to aim for, without that…I feel lost and clueless on finding that determination that I once had to prove others wrong because I sometimes feel that it’s gone because the old me would never give up, he’d be so determined to prove everyone wrong and I need to get back to that way of thinking but I don’t know how!