Saying goodbye to something or someone can be quite a sad occasion, wouldn’t you say? In many different ways, we have all found ourselves saying goodbye for one reason or another, I said goodbye to two grandparents in 2017 but when it comes to saying goodbye to a feeling or emotion, is it something to feel sad about or a joyous occasion? When it comes to having Autism, feeling negative and anti-social can come regular, it’s quite often where I see a post by someone with Autism saying that they have regular meltdowns, have no friends or both! We all have struggles and all but when you have something that can make you prone to looking at life in a non-positive way, how do you combat that? Not everyone with Autism is negative by the way but I know many people that are because life is a stressful thing but even so, many people that don’t have Autism can think negatively, it just happens to be a common theme amongst those with Autism.
Last night for me was another one of those moments where I found myself feeling negative and jealous of other people’s successes and plans whereas I found myself firmly planted in my comfort zone, afraid to venture out and see what happens and to be quite honest, this is something that is quite common at the moment for me. With all of our plans for the future, I am excited about it all as one of my main aims is to be more social than I usually am but I can already tell that it is easier said than done!
To be social can be quite tiring sometimes and it can all be down to how much thought I am always putting into when to speak when to meet people and to try and not say anything stupid because I always fear to say the wrong thing to a friend or acquaintance that will make things awkward or if I could have a meltdown and want to get out of there as fast as I can, which I have done before in the past (most of my friends are used to it and let me calm down because I always come back) with all of this going through my head, I’m not that suprised that I’m quite tired once I get home.
What I aim to achieve someday is to be able to say goodbye to the constant negative thoughts that can sometimes cloud my judgement and can change my character, sometimes at the worst possible moments and it can make me think the wrong way when in truth, I never need to when I’m around friends because I’m never judged for how I act, what I want in life or when I feel down and negative, I know they all just want the best for me and I am very grateful to have found such understanding people, some I have known for nearly a decade now!
However, my issue is all down to me here because when you know many people in your life, you often keep a tab on their life goals and what they hope to accomplish here and there and with that, can sometimes come comparisons and I don’t know about you but when I find myself and a friend and how we are both doing in life, I sometimes feel jealous that I am not where they are currently are but then I try to remember that it isn’t a race, I really do but those usual negative thoughts creep back in quite often and I now feel myself in a conflicted battle with my mind to get over these thoughts and just get on with life!
Some of my friends are all making plans to renovate houses etc and it could not really seem like a big deal but me and my wife wouldn’t mind also doing the same yet at this moment, probably couldn’t due to other commitments in our lives but I still feel envious when I hear other peoples movements and all seem to be moving forward and to just hear it all was enough to make me wonder ‘‘Why am I not doing the same thing?” I mean we are all different and live our lives quite differently in some ways but when your thinking in the back of your mind that you wish that you were the same, it can bring you a little down.
I wish to say goodbye to all of these negative thoughts but at the same time, what would that be like, to never be negative again, would that really be the best thing? The hopeful answer would be yes but the simple and honest answer is no…what good is going through life if you never felt envious, jealous or negative about anything at all…I mean without these feelings, I doubt I would have ever pushed myself to overcome odds set against me many times throughout my life, would I have ever tried that much if I assumed that everything was always going to be ok, heck no? I’d not have done as well but not really cared about it either! Or that’s what I think would happen because I have a tendency to get cocky if I do to well for a while, I can admit it!
So what would be the best thing to do? Accept that it’s alright to be negative sometimes but not so much that I can sometimes be and to not let it drive me into such a state, instead let it drive to try a little bit harder? Perhaps, I mean it’s like saying you can never feel angry or sad ever again because they are too negative and bring people down, you must always be happy! Let’s be real, no one in life can ever be so happy that they never shed a tear or have any regrets so I can’t just sit here and say that being negative about anything is a bad thing, it only becomes that if I let it consume everything else I have going for me but if it inspires me to push through and overcome that feeling, then changing a negative to a positive, rather than never allowing myself to feel negative in the first place is the better option in my opinion. It might sound strange but if you had to bury each of your negative thoughts that you’ve ever had…I feel like I would have a few graveyards full by now!
So I can always say goodbye to a bad feeling eventually but I know they will come back in some shape or form throughout my life, that is inevitable but as long as I can always get by these feelings and become a stronger person because of the experiences, then I say that I will be alright because I never take an event I go through for granted, each experience is remembered for anything else in the future, so I know how to better react the next time I’m faced with a dilemma and if I happen to make the same mistake again someday, you try and try again because we are only human at the end of the day and we all make mistakes! My autism in a way will always make me feel somewhat down about things, it always has and I have friends that feel like this as well but at the end of the day, it’s all down to me to get past such things and accomplish all that I wish to in this life, which I will always try to do each day.
One quick note before I finish but I find it rather funny that I even have the chance to say goodbye to anything in life when I once considered it impossible to even say hello to anything or anyone, I used to feel like such a loser in this life that had no direction but I was able to bypass the bad feelings and make many better situations for myself because of it, so I can do it again because I’m a much happier person in life than I once was and I’m grateful that I could and that I still should and always will!
Thanks for reading my nonsense, have a good day!