I feel misunderstood quite a bit actually, by many people! Most days I will feel somewhat misunderstood by strangers and by people that are quite close to me…sometimes I even feel that no one truly understands me, except for me but I don’t always like that sort of thinking, too negative but difficult to not think that everyone is against you because they can’t understand what I have and how hard everyday life can actually be.
I do get annoyed with how certain people have treated me during my life for what I have…solely for that reason! You sometimes feel that people will just look at you and judge you for your Autism…I know that’s not the case a lot of the time but I only seem to remember the bad moments and sometimes the good ones! To be labelled as Autistic…watch out, he doesn’t talk much…can get tiring…quite tiring!
Being misunderstood is common for me, especially when others find out what I have and ask why I do what I do…like work in a store….people ask why I would even want to when I’m supposed to not want to talk to so many people during the day…it doesn’t bother me though, I’ve gotten used to it but all of the questions about being anti-social…can get quite tiring! Yet one thing I’ve had before was the worst ever…and that’s when someone goes ”You don’t have Autism!” Your doing too well for yourself! And just like that, I struggle to keep my composure because I get this a little bit…I appear a very confident individual who is often called the mature one of my friendship group…was in University as well…well spoken but a little nervous from time to time and fortunate enough to have met the woman of my dreams who I married a couple of years ago but I haven’t always been this way. Once I never spoke, lashed out at others and didn’t want to do anything, I was angry because I was diagnosed with Autism and others started treating me differently for it, I was laughed at and taken out of classes to be in a small group of troublemakers and couldn’t even do all my school exams because it was apparently too hard for me now!
I’ve had people accuse me of faking having ‘Autism’ because I have friends, a job, I don’t live with my parents etc and that really drives me up the wall to be honest…why on earth would anyone pretend to have Autism when you get nothing but shunned and neglected by those who don’t understand what it even is…the amount of times that I have met people, thought things were going fine, then they discover what I have and want nothing to do with me…I have lost count how many times that has actually happened to me and I’ve kind of had enough of it! I’m not letting people like that get to me anymore…if something like having Autism is enough to put others off, then they aren’t worth getting to know as far as I’m convinced. I am not a saint in any way, don’t worry…I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in this life and annoyed people with words and actions but I never purposely ignore someone because of what they have…I’ve known others with Autism, others with bipolar, downs syndrome etc and to be quite honest, I don’t go and pretend that they don’t exist anymore because of it…yet as far as I’m aware…many people do this regularly and it boggles the mind as to how many people in this world want the only perfection, which doesn’t even exist, nothing or noone is perfect!
I’ve known about my Autism for more than a decade now and have gone through a hell of a lot to get from where I was to where I am now! I won’t have people tell me that I’ve been faking it! That’s disgusting but the reasons for it are worse…because I have friends? For many years, I had no friends to speak off, I was pretty much all alone and I was miserable for it…I have a wife and I feel incredibly fortunate for that! Every day, I wake up feeling so lucky that she chose me to be her husband…that my friends want to spend time with me…I worked my socks off to make friends, to go to University, get married and have a job…to just have someone look at that and think I can’t possibly have Autism…where does someone get off doing that? Can’t people with Autism have any friends or something like that? What am I expected to do, never have a friend, live with my parents and never find someone to love me? Why…because it fits the stereotype? Sorry but F*** off! The opinions of some people astound me because I never go out of my way to look at someone who has done well for themselves and called them fake…most don’t but those ones that do…I don’t know but it’s just sad because many people with Autism don’t have friends and I feel for them but how many people assume that everyone with Autism is exactly the same…many apparently!
Why on earth would anyone fake Autism anyway…for sympathy? Let me tell you all, no one feels sorry for me, some just avoid me…that’s not sympathy…that’s more like ”Don’t go near the special kid!” being alone for many years…tons of fun! Being told your glass ceiling is very low, don’t aim high…yeah…this is wonderful! If anyone fakes having Autism, I personally think they are stupid…why would anyone pretend they are terrible at making friends or being social…what would you get out of it?
Sounds like I’m ranting and in a way I am…because it means a lot to me! After everything, I’ve been through…all the hills to climb (sounds dramatic) and proving people wrong…some people can look at that and think I’m a liar…not that I’m doing well or that my Autism doesn’t affect me that bad anymore…just that I’m making it up, it just riles me up because I cannot look back over the last decade or two of my life and think like that…..too painful to remember no one really wanting anything to do with me, not understanding any of my actions and the consequences that followed them…I lost my first group of friends in school because of it…all the tests in hospital to see what I had, only to be told that I had Autism and would struggle socially like others on the spectrum!
Others will be doing better than me and others will be doing worse, we are all different and have stories to tell but when someone online with Autism says I can’t have what he has because I have friends…I got upset because it just brought painful memories of how I once was…let’s get one thing straight…I hate my past….after the age of 7 to 16 were some of the worst years of my life and I never want to relive any of them again…it just showed that because someone said something, I overreacted to it and I felt horrible afterwards…who cares what one person’s opinion is…especially if I don’t even know them…it just makes me sad that such negativity exists in the world.
I will probably always feel misunderstood by others but things aren’t like they used to, more people around me are aware of what Autism is, compared to when I was younger and yes, when people think I don’t have Autism does upset me because I’m stuck with Autism for all of my life…it ain’t going nowhere, I can’t just turn it off…the amount of times I wish I could will always grow and grow, I don’t have a choice! Others might look at my label and not beyond that, who cares…many have looked past it and liked me for me, not what I have and that’s all that matters and I know everyone is different and have their own way of feeling misunderstood by other people, I never say that my experiences are what everyone else with Autism go through, I just like to share my stories, that’s all!