I got into a dispute with someone recently and it got quite heated and almost personal because it involved someone quite close to me so…I took what was said quite personally and whenever something like this happens, I take every insult to heart and it can take me a long time to get over it as I fill my head with worries that the worst thing will come of it.
Every single time I get into a heated debate with someone and harsh words are said, I just can’t get past what is said and I can often get quite hurt by them…bit ironic since I can say harsh words to people and not realise that I’ve upset them yet I can tell clear as day whenever I feel upset. I don’t know about you but I just can’t always defend myself as much as I think I do when someone says something that I think is hurtful towards me.
Obviously, I go back to my childhood…like I always do because apparently, it’s the reason for a lot of my setbacks in life…because I was bullied, I’ll admit it for being weird…it was during the time where I didn’t know that I had Autism but we all knew that something was there and people turned against me over the next few years, to the point that I was cheered at when people found out that I wasn’t in there class for the next year! That was a long time ago but it still stings! It makes it hard to trust people that I meet today and in the future because I don’t want to be lured in, only to realise that I have been fooled once again by someone I came to trust, only to find out it was a lie…it’s one of my biggest fears and I don’t know If I will ever be able to get over that at all!
They say that words can hurt more than actions and to be honest, I think that everyone has a point when they say that! I mean all of the names I’ve been called in the past still hurt more than any bruise or broken bone I’ve ever experienced…I know that with my Autism that things like this can be quite challenging, like being social and making friends etc yet I don’t get why a simple insult can bring me down so much…it can really get to me and it creates paranoia for me, I really think the worst about everything and feel quite depressed for a while….motionless and not wanting to do anything really, apart from lying in bed and feeling sorry for myself.
I’ve gotten over losing friends, I’ve moved on from mistakes but the one thing that I struggle with is weirdly enough…insults! People come and go in life but words can stick with you forever! Seems like I’m having a bit of a rant on here today but to be honest, I just felt a little down after what happened because I hate confrontations…my fear of loss always comes into play when I think another person will walk out of my life, because they’ve just had enough and if they saying something to hurt me, it just makes me think more negatively and I even make the situation worse because I’ve gone to a place where I just don’t care anymore….I get angry and I’ll say something that I’ll immediately regret because it normally goes too far…I don’t like getting like that but feel like it’s the only way I can defend myself sometimes.
I wish that one day…I can grow a bit more of a spine and defend myself, without the need for saying something nasty to someone for the sake of it, I don’t like being horrible to anyone…I just want to to make as many friends as I can I guess…feel a little bit more normal in the world.